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Screw Almost, it is depression I think I am going to take back the "almost" from the last entry. I think I am hitting another bump of the blues again. yay the dark side of the manic-depression....again... ok, first I must state that I am completely unsure on whether or not I am MD. I went in for an evaluation when I slammed my head into a brick wall the last time I got upset and the shrink told me that because I don't stay bummed out long enough I must not be MD, that and I don't hit long enough periods of the high. However, most of the women on my father's side have the similar emotional jolts that I do so I tend to think that we are all slightly MD. not enough to make it official and give us the drugs, but enough to let us ride the emotional roller coaster for the hell of it. yesterday being a case in point. I wandered home from work feeling so wonderful. so in tune with the world. reaching my hands out to the wind and the rain and trying to coax both out of the sky. I bought some chocolate for Ahmo's next door and savored it outside watching everything come together weather-wise. I felt very rested and at peace with the world. I wanted it to rain on me and embrace me and I wanted to feel loved. earlier in the day I felt extremely horny and played with myself in the projector booths as I went along on inventory. I gave in to my impulses and I felt great. God had sent the photocopies of the articles to me early as well as the book I needed extremely early so I had some things to do but I was bent on taking the night off. I wanted a rainstorm to think by and I was joyously happy with everything that was going on. add in the duuuhhh duuuhhh duuuuhhhhhh here well I went inside, and maybe that is what killed it. I ate the chocolates and my tummy went all wonky. I layed down in hopes that it would feel better and I fell to belching for awhile, darn drug, but I felt better and watched gobs of TV. I haven't been watching TV much lately so that was kind of okay. I didn't want to turn on the computer though so I sat around and watched the okay TV but it started bringing me down while waiting for spk. so I called him, got no answer and fell asleep and every time I woke up I called him again. no answer until he finally called back at 10:30 stating that he had gotten high and fallen asleep and didn't hear my calls at all. well, I know shit happens and that isn't what is getting me down. this has happened before and I knew at the time what was going on, or at least I had an almost certain idea that was what had happened. what is getting me down is that for the past two days all I have wanted to do is sleep. yup, no motivation to edit my short story for the metrotimes. no friends that call me back, close or otherwise. no wanting to go out. I hate going out on my own. I can't drink right now so going to the bar is a little silly and I am too broke to go anywhere else. and even when I do go out, either nobody talks to me the entire night or I get attempted pickups from nasty men that I don't want to deal with. usually I go with friends so I can get out of those situations but the friends won't return my phone calls!!! I guess you could say I need better friends. I don't want to hang out on the internet either because it's like the bar scene only worse because there is almost nobody who still has any manners on the internet. I am so not in the mood to get naked and show off to random guys on cam. I HATE TV and reading anything right now reminds me that I need to be working on my thesis. I could write but that requires me wanting to do it and I just...don't. So I have been sleeping. the dreamscape is much more exciting than my normal life full of people who blow me off for whatever reason (not talking about you, spk, just everyone else). At least while dreaming when I get dissed by Avril I can laugh at her stupid antics and push her off a cliff or show her up. Dreaming is so much more entertaining and fun right now so I am definately starting to think that I am depressed or at least in a funk. I want to get out of this and have some fun but I either need some better buds or a car. Of course if I had a car I would be far away from here by now. Just pack up and hit the road to whereever. I am sure that when I get one again that will be my cure for the blues. anywhere is generally better than where I live when I am bored with my life. arrghhhh so anyway, I am bored with life and pissed with people not wanting to be around. spk's little rant on people being inconsiderate has really hit home here. I just wish that someone would do something about it and invite me out for a fun time, well a fun time on my terms. I shouldn't bitch too hard, Troma invited me out to see the goriest film ever made last night but I declined for a lack of wanting to see people impaled on stakes and eaten alive. not fun in my book. Daphne |