� Some Sites I like � I'm reading |
I Hate Everybody, Nothing Personal Sorry I haven't been keeping up. I've been feeling rather drained lately and going on the computer just isn't doing it for me anymore. If I'm not thinking about work, I'm worrying about other shit. If I'm not worrying, I'm trying to get high and self medicate so I don't focus on all the crap I'm not doing but I should be doing. I guess I interalized my father a little too much as a child. Oh well. And as for being social, fuck that. I'm in no mood to even bother. I'm getting sick of being asked to go out, fake happiness, and attract other people to our social circle. I know, I whine enough about not having friends but if I'm unwilling to do the work to get them, what should I expect? I don't care though. I just don't. I feel like I'm being pushed to socialize when all I really want to do is disappear. I don't know where I want to go, but I badly want to go somewhere. Somewhere new, different, with a different attitude, new things to deduce, and interesting people to meet. I'm so sick of having to meet people in the swinging scene that are exactly like people I meet in business too. Fucking fake successful people that look down on me claiming I'm not trying hard enough or working the right angle of anything. If I was, I'd be like them. Maybe they're right, maybe I am screwing everything up. I have that fear too, and all that does is lead me to inaction. All I know is I'm sick of going out in public. There's nothing to do in public except spend money, which we can't do because we don't have any. As for meeting people, the only venue for that is swinging because that is the need we find the hardest to meet. I don't mind that much. I just mind having to get beyond the bullshit and through the sex. When it is all over with, especially the first time, I feel like I've done something right and can settle down to doing nothing again, losing myself in my books as I can't escape to anywhere else. But swinging is a constant cycle of meeting people and making sure everyone's sexual needs are met. That's what gets draining. I barely have enough drive to get myself aroused these days, much less get excited about a sexual situation that always involves multiple emotional factors. If I was single, I'd probably just give up and stick to wanking. Dealing with so many people and hookup factors just isn't worth my time and energy right now. I'm also just really absent in general from everything so I don't see how anyone could find that sexual. It would probably be a waste of time for all parties. Of course, this is piss poor timing too because the next bi female party is next weekend. I haven't been to the last two or three because of other events, so I'd really like to go to this one, but I've got a feeling its not worth the drive. Nothing really is anymore. And no, I don't know how to get out of this. I just know that I'm bored to postmortem sexually, intellectually, and socially. I'm sick of reaching out and trying. I just want to crawl under my rock with my books and hide until something better appears on the horizon. I know that never happens, but its a nice thought. I also know I should just get out there and suck it up, but I'm tired. I do that all week with cold calling, but suffering rejection in a sexual arena sucks even worse. So, I'm not up for it. Not right now. I just want to disappear and start all over somewhere else. Maybe I just need a new kink. I don't think there are any these days. I've tried a hell of a lot. Oh, and Dan Savage can suck my oves. I may be depressed today, but give me ten years and I'll have your whole column empire you asshat. Yeah, I know every aspiring sex writer asks you about your job when you're on tour but you didn't need to go out of your way to dismiss me. I am NOT a typical college columnist. I'm working towards an actual DEGREE in the field, so I'll be qualified, not just some random fag boy handing out advice as he sees fit. And besides, I think readers would rather hear from a bisexual swinger than some gay guy. So, you can take all your smug bullshit and stuff it up your gaping asshole. I'm going to give you a run for your money that you won't forget. And don't worry, I'll remind you of how you dissed me in public when I've stolen your readers away on my own book tour in a few years. Fuckheads all. Tomorrow will be book reviews. I am trying to try. Daphne |