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Willow's Woo-Woo Removal She's resting and I've decided I must write about this. It brings up some odd feelings in me that I got to address due to my stances on birth control. I don't know why, but I feel somewhat guilty for spaying her. I know if I could get it done professionally and affordably, I'd get my ovaries removed. I don't want kids and I know that. I never have wanted children. Well, that's a lie. I DO want a daugher, but she's a romantic dream of a nerdy child that loves the world as much as I do. I doubt she'll ever happen. I mean, maybe, some long time in the future she will, but I'm also a realist who knows she won't be a good mother and really doesn't want to be burdened with caring for another human being on top of trying to care for herself. And then I get the dog. Yeah, it was a completely compulsive decision, but look at my life! Most of the good decisions I've made were completely compulsive, as were most of the bad ones. The Jaguar, the Doxie, and my choice to work in porn were all born out of semi deliberate rashness. All of these found mixed results, but they're the experiences that make me who I am. Maybe I should value spontenaity more than I do. Anyway, the dog depends on me like a kid, so now I've got all these maternal instincts and they're being happily channeled into working with the puppy. She usually gives me some good feedback and I feel like I'm not doing too badly. Yes, I'm going broke, but at least someone loves me when I come home. I've always got that, so she fills a big need. I guess that's why I don't want to upset her. I feel like spaying her pissed her off. I know she's just really doped up right now, but when we got home I messed up big time. I was cuddling her and trying to pick her up. I must have shifted her wrong and squeezed something because she started SCREAMING! Long loud yelping at a shrieking level that made me worry if my landlord was going to call the cops on me. I tried to calm her down by setting her on the floor and petting her, but she kept going like a siren. I grabbed her mouth shut and she cried at me while wetting herself. She calmed down in a few minutes, but I felt horrible. I was so unsure of how to handle her after that, but I tried to do it VERY gently. I really hope she doesn't hate me for that. I also really hope she doesn't hate me in general. I've never spayed an animal before. I felt uncomfortable about doing it, but I also didn't want her to have problems later on. She was mostly lesbian before though, and now I worry that she'll never be well adjusted. I love her a lot, and I hope she knows that when I hold her for the next ten days instead of letting her jump or run around. I hope this doesn't ruin our relationship. I know most of this is the product of my buzz, so I'm probably worrying too much. She'll probably be fine, minus the ugliness of where she's shaved, in a few days. Hopefully, she'll be running around agian by the end of the month. I love seeing her run. She's FAST. I'm thinking of teaching her to be an Earthdog. Yeah, those little dogs that run the tunnels. It would be awesome. Wish her well! Daphne |