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a writing break, possibly Work was slow, but going okay. Did a piss test, which I hope I passed. Not much to note these days as most of my life is internal and I'd rather not mention the shit I'm dealing with. Maybe when I'm feeling better and not so depressed about crap I'll update later in the week, but I wanted to let you know that I'm still alive. Last night sucked monkey balls, though it was nice to see Jewboy again. I felt bad that I was so upset because I couldn't enjoy the evening at all. Fortunately, he had a nice chat with Jeff while I asked one of the waitstaff to find me a cigarette. I really just wanted to cry and scream but we were in a public place and neither of them wanted to get out of there fast enough so I decided to have a long island or two with my smokes. I wasn't able to thank whomever gave me the cigs, but I said a hail mary for him and asked for some karma to float his way as I appreciate anyone giving up a couple of cancer sticks so I don't have to buy a pack. Anyway, I apologized to both of them for being in such a state, and I decided to drive home. I knew I was drunk, but at that point I didn't care. I took the freeway and half debated what would be the best speed to throw the car over the center line if I wanted to T bone someone. Doing the calculations, I decided faster would be better, so anything over 85mph would work. With my luck though I'd end up recovering instead of just dying, which would be much worse. Besides, I knew, even intoxicated, that I didn't have the right to fuck up someone else's life just because I was feeling shitty. So, I debated about trying to roll the car or wrap it around a tree, but neither of those work in real life. You just have to learn to deal. So, I sped home without noticing a single cop and, scarily enough, I feel much more confidant about driving with 10 units in me than I did before. That was about the whole of my evening. Willow cheered me up a little, though she's got a lump on her side that I'm hoping isn't cancer. I'm seriously worried about that and I know I should get it checked out. I also need to hit Planned Parenthood for more birth control and determine what's going on with this PI situation. I know I'll have time today after work as I won't be doing jack shit, and running errands does pick me up a little. Anyway, just wanted to let folks know that if you don't hear from me for awhile, don't worry about it. I'm getting sick of talking about my problems but they're not getting resolved so I'm feeling fairly trapped. Willow is helping a lot with cheering me up, but some of this shit runs too deep for even a puppy to alleviate. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death, but all I want to do for a while is curl up into a ball and avoid dealing with the world. I'll get through work, depending on the piss test, but life in general combined with PMS is just throwing me through the grinder so hard that I can't stand it anymore. Some things will get better with time, I know, but others won't. I just have to learn to deal with both. Daphne |