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Gone for Good Yup, I finally did it. We've officially broken up for the last time (and I mean that, don't start the pool again!). He told me that if I did it a third time it had to be permanent and that's why I took so long to do it. Part of me really wanted to make this relationship work because Dan does have a lot of good qualities I appreciate in a mate, but I've realized we're really two different people and that's okay. Overall, he's a great guy and I wouldn't mind being friends or fuckbuddies with him, but being in a full time relationship is killing me. I get nuts over who I'm with and things get blown out of proportion. I've been seeing myself turn from a happy freely sexual woman to this controlling bitch over the last few months and I can't stand it. I know I shouldn't be so insecure, but that's how I am. So, he's better off without my dead weight keeping him back too. The parting was amicable. We did most of it over the phone last night. The final trade of posessions will occur this evening. I was glad that he wasn't angry or sore about it because I really was scared about presenting the idea. He took it well though, and I knew we were both just waiting for it to happen, neither of us wanting to initiate it. Though we won't be friends after this, we will be civil to each other. I know on my end I have no hard feelings towards him. Things just aren't working out and I need to learn to be single. I've never had an opportunity so I'm going to try that for awhile. Still shedding some tears over this though. It's not painless. I will miss watching his face light up when he talks about racing or cuddling him at night. I'll always treasure the memories and fun he gave me over the last four years. From meeting at the Rocky Horror Picture Show to screwing in the front seat of a moving car in broad daylight in Kalamazoo, Dan has taught me a lot about having fun. I'll always cite getting interrupted by the cops while fucking on a masoleum's steps as the best second date ever. I'll never forget that he brought my bisexuality out and watched me play with my first girl that we picked up in the Westwood. Hell, I'll never forget any of the good times at the gloryholes, because that was the first nasty thing I'd ever done and I was terrified going down there. I'll also always appreciate that he steered me towards my sexuality and sense of adventure instead of away from it. Yes, this has given me a different life and career, but I don't find that a bad thing. I'm sure I would have found some of these choices on my own eventually (I was a domme *lol* when we met) but speeding the process up, though VERY scary, did help me learn many things about myself and give me many great experiences. Gaaa!! Bawling again. I am happy to announce that I'm going to stay single until 2006. I've decided this already because I keep jumping from person to person, so I haven't had any time to really learn about me or how to survive on my own. Losing so many people in my life this year has been stressful, and it makes me want to seek a rock, someone who will always be there no matter what. As I'm growing up I'm learning there are no such things. My mother won't speak to me and my father will die, I know that. Dan was just a man, just a person, like everyone else with his own agenda to fulfill. I get that now. I just hate the idea of being alone. That's partly why I bought Willow. Even though she may get in the way of some activities right now, I know she'll always be there for at least the next ten years. As a dog, she'll also always love me, assuming I keep feeding and loving her. So, like a kid, she'll be my rock. She'll always be there to listen and cuddle her mom while she's bawling her eyes out over stupid shit. She may not understand what I'm saying, but I know she can calm me down. God, I love that puppy receptable of love. Not much else to note. I finished those resumes and I'll probably post them to a few job sites. Maybe I'll get lucky and someone will actually want to hire me. I did get an offer to do some figure modeling today at UM, but I turned them down. It's snowed and I don't feel like driving to Ann Arbor for $30 of a paycheck. Besides, I figured I was off that roster awhile ago. I am going to look into the grad school requirements today too, hopefully I won't need a GRE score because I skipped that, so should be exciting, eh? Daphne |