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Unwanted by All After a good five hours of crying over two days, I've realized that mostly what I'm dealing with is feeling unwanted. This is kind of ironic as I've been developing a social system lately, that has helped to make me feel popular. With PMS though comes the realization that maybe folks are just using me and don't want to be around unless I have something to offer them. Yes, I know that is how all relationships work, but in my case I don't even think people like to talk to me unless I'm putting out space, drugs, or sex. That's sad too because all I really want are friends to hang out with and a few people who can touch me lovingly. Speaking of friends, I've met a few new ones, but I don't feel like I can trust them, not that you'd blame me. Jen is a cool redhead, but I don't think she hangs out with me except for the pot. I don't mind sharing and I know she lives at home, but I feel like unless I have the drugs, she won't bother. I will give her a little credit though, she at least works to keep the place tidy and helps out in other ways. So, I'm cutting her some slack. She's in the same boat as Renee right now though, no car, and I know I should karmatically reimburse the universe for those 6 years when I was bumming rides, but I feel like a mom or a chauffer sometimes. Dr. E. is right, I need to learn to set limits. Lol, speaking of that and being mom...my "friends" from Saginaw dropped by this week. Usually I don't mind Jewboy and whomever he brings down with him, but his girlfriend bugs the shit out of me. She's big and superloud (I know, you can call me pot, Dan's kettle) to the point where I can't stand it. On top of that, she's a pig. Well, they all are because they live at home where Mommy still picks up after them, but she's the worst. Her personality just keeps turning me off, and I've got to tell Jewboy that he can't bring her down anymore. I'd be okay with her up north, but in my house I need to keep the pop stains and laziness to a minimum. So, I've decided to visit them up north a few times to even things out, and ban her until she can learn to grow up. I have a theory that the only reason they visit is because I'm the only one of us with her own place, and I'm sick of it. Jewboy was picking on me for being a neatnick when he left, but I have a good reason. It's MY apartment! I make REAL money, so I'm not going to be anyone's mom or maid, unless they want to pay to visit unsupervised space. Speaking of Moms, most of this morning involved dealing with that. I think both of us feel unwanted in our relationship and we're both trying the same tactic to see who flinches first. I'm half tempted to send her a card to try to make peace, but I'm not sure if I even want her back in my life. She causes more trouble and tears than she amends, and this was true even when things were going well. So, maybe it's best that I take a break from her and work out my end of the problems before going back. I just mentioned it because she contributes to this lonely/rejected feeling. Dan has been a bit of a help, but I feel weird over there too. Last night he already had plans that I forgot about, so he left for an hour or two to visit his friend's new place. Today, he's hanging out with his coworkers over lunch (partly why I stopped trying to have lunch with him weekdays) so I can't talk to him about my heavy emotional stuff. I know he's been suffering a lot on his end, but I feel awkward over there sometimes. I tried to help him clean the place, but I feel like I'm pushing too hard and it's bothering him. I tried to be a little more sexually agressive last night, but it didn't work and I felt like shit when we had to give up. He seems really preoccupied lately, and with the parking situation getting nasty (we're out of spaces and I'm never sure which ones are guest spots so I park at the clubhouse and walk three blocks) I'm not even sure why I head over there. Oh wait, yeah I am, because he rarely wants to come over here. I don't get that either, but whatever. I like my apartment, and that's all the matters :) Anyway, I'm not going to die. I just needed to vent. I had a long crying Jag about Mom this morning and I was able to cancel hanging out with my father for today, so all that is left is to take the car in to see about this slow leak. I don't want to do it, but it's got to be done. *ick* Maybe I'll be lucky enough to have made enough for a deposit this week...I doubt it though. Nobody has been calling. And yeah, I know this attitude doesn't win other swingers over either. I can't help it though. I feel really rejected from everything. I don't want to anticipate rejection when it isn't there, but I'm also getting sick of putting my emotions and hopes on the line just to have them shatter. Online, it's pretty easy to be cavalier about it, but it still hurts a little. I know I'm not super fine, but I don't think I should be having such a hard time finding someone to fuck. I guess that's just me and my impatience though. Oh well, things will sort themselves out eventually. Daphne |