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Burning Bridges All right, this isn't going to be the happiest entry, but I feel like I need to write this out in order to get it out of my mind. So, if this thing sounds terribly self-deprecating and makes me out to be a horrible person, I'm sorry. I just fucked up recently and I'm being terribly hard on myself about it. I shouldn't, but I hate messing up. That being said. I just got back from the shoot in Bay City, which (surprise!) didn't go well. The drive was all right, though the retaining walls near Flint freaked me out, and I arrived in 90 minutes instead of the full two hours. So, I was early and got changed/made up quickly. I asked if my body was all right and got some dieting tips, which really didn't help because I've been on that diet for a while now. I was also self-conscious about my pimples, but he claimed I looked fine before inspecting my mouth for cuts, which I found rather demeaning because 1) I have never had that happen on any other set and 2) he did not do this with my co-worker. Anyway, I got through that and, after waiting another 45 mins for the other girl to find the damn place, we started working. I learned that this was her first time shooting and her first time with a girl. She seemed rather comfortable with the situation and was hotter than I, so I really liked her. For the first half of the shoot, I was trying to help her pose and make sure that she felt comfortable. In fact, if this shoot had been merely a lesbian thing, I would have been fine. But it wasn't. The other guy that was supposed to show didn't and the director wanted me to run a camera. I declined, deciding that wasn't my job. Somehow though being head fluffer was. Yeah. This is around where I lost my cool. We started doing the video part and my coworker informs us that she doesn't do oral. Like at all. So, I act nice and tell her that I can carry that part of the shoot assuming that it won't be too much work. Unfortunately, this director can't seem to keep it up through the shoot and I'm sucking him hard again every ten minutes. He's hung a little over average so size isn't a problem, but somehow I assumed that I would get fucked which, haha, apparently wasn't what I was hired for. And here's where it gets ugly. We start doing the actual threesome fucking, right? Well, she's hot and he starts with her, which I understand. unfortunately for me, he never really gets to me. In the first shot he asks me to make it look hot while she rides him, and I try to, but I'm getting really turned on. They keep going and I start to get pissed so I sit down and wank. I start moaning, and I realize that I'm making more noise than she is and she's getting the good stuff! So, I watch them fuck and realize that they don't really need me, so I get up and wander out of shot. After a while, he realizes that I am cleaning and not participating so we change positions. The second one, I'm underneath her while he's doing her from behind. I'm already a little pissed so I complain about being furniture. I really want to get fucked next so, eventually, the director decides to have us both doggystyle so he can alternate between us. I smile and for the whole minute he's inside of me, I moan and enjoy it like crazy. I try to show him that my experience makes up for my lack of hotness and that I can make a better film that this chick. Sadly, it doesn't work out. He fucks her, asks her to fake a cumshot, and then when we're taking our next break asks me to leave early. I get paid and try to ask my coworker for her phone number, which he forbids her to give me. I'm creeped out, but paid, so I take my pissy prima donna self out to my car where I spot ten mintues later a hot ringer coming in to take my spot as the second girl in this film. Well, good luck to her. I guess I'm not hot enough to get fucked even in the porn industry. So, I've been beating myself up about burning this bridge. I believe that I usually go out of my way to create good films and not be a prima donna. So, I'm disappointed in myself for losing my cool. I am glad that I was paid, and that I made it out of there (who knows how nuts that guy really was?), but part of me worries that I might be losing out on future opportunities. I'm also slightly concerned that bad word about yours truly might spread. I don't think it will, but I don't like burning bridges. I really don't. Part of me wanted to write an apology letter, but another part of me thinks that I don't have anything to apologize for. Plus, the guy was basically creepy and I don't think I would like to work for him again. So, in short, I'm not doing anything except following my basic life rules of getting back on the horse and trying to learn something from all of this. Yay. I think I'm almost over all that. Hopefully, it won't trip me up in the future. I did get riotiously cheered up by Jewboy though. I spent the night in Saginaw getting extremely drunk and playing Trivial Pursuit until 5am. I learned late in the night that I play cards and board games better when drunk, somehow I accumulated 4 pie pieces within six turns and was kicking ass until gravity betrayed me and left me laughing on the floor. Fortunately, when you're drunk you don't feel anything, though I did regret not creating some better Jackass footage. I so want to be a drunk stuntwoman. As for today, I'm dealing with some body image shit. On top of the lousy shoot, the change in the weather is causing my psoriasis to break out in addition to my face. Dan advised me not to tell the Wisconsin folks though because he feels that it's not a big deal. I looked at it from a distance, and I guess at worst it's a few red spots around my hips and lower back. I'm just hypersensitive to my skin diseases because I've been "the rash baby" since birth. In fact, my legal name is partly derived from the fact that I was born small red and wrinkly. I don't know if all newborns look that way, but that's the story my father tells me. I just know that I've had neck rashes, colic, dry skin, moles, and psoriasis all my life. The ironic thing though is that I also have the softest skin covering several parts of my body, just not the parts that are flaring up. I'm also dealing with the usual fat, ugly, unattractive bullshit. Part of me wants to try and work out for 1-2 hours a day, but I don't know if I can keep that pace up for more than a week. Usually upping my exercise like that leads to a crash a week or so later and then even lower self-esteem. I tried to tell myself that Jewboy thought I lost some weight and, looking in the mirror, it seemed like my ass was riding a little higher. No overlap of ass onto thigh anymore, just a slight curve before the thigh. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get a high little ghetto booty before I die. I'm pretty sure though that my stomach will live on long after. Anyway, sorry for all that. Will try and do the work I need to do today and get on with life. I'm feeling better for having that out, but I need more work and better work. Hopefully, this Wisconsin thing will work out. Daphne |