� Some Sites I like � I'm reading |
Depressiod Rant I feel shitty today. Yesterday I decided Joy Drop's "Sometimes I wanna Die" was the song to best encapsulate my relationship with my mother, but I have now upgraded that to best encapsulate my emotions right now. It's a terribly applicable song for me and I am glad I stumbled on it looking for their other song "Beautiful Like You". I am hauling through the last 12 pages of editing today and that isn't so bad. I am stressed out about possibly not having a job, car, or house but that is all immaterial. I learned yesterday I will have to hold a job for six months before I can even think of applying for a morgage so it looks like I will be renting somewhere again. Not sure where though, because of the job thing. And the job thing can only be determined after the car/insurance thing so it's all a big headache. What's really bugging me though is my interpersonal relationships. I don't care so much about the work and the stress as what I am thinking about people lately. People are turning out to be rather expendable to me. My mother explained herself and I don't agree with her. She's phoning back tomorrow and I got to deal with that but I am unsure if I even want to. I am starting to get her hiding under a rock description of her life. As for non-family, I am not even sure if I am worth anyone's time or if I want to put up with anyone anymore. Part of me just honestly doesn't care if everyone walks out of my life. Fuck it. That part of me also wants to start over somewhere new and figure myself out all over again. There's another part though that just wants to kill myself. I mean, why bother to keep going if nobody seems to care about what you're going through? Maybe I'm too self-involved or too whiny or too PMSy right now but part of me just feels like a failure because I don't have a job lined up or anywhere specific to go and I hate making these grown-up decisions. I also hate managing money and I wish I did not have to worry it. *sigh* I also woke up with a headache today and out of a spiral of nightmares. Dan had to leave early to work and I have been feeling shitty ever since. I did some presses with the knife on my wrists but I can't seem to bring myself to harm. Probably for the best but I miss the scalpels at my dad's where I didn't have to use so much pressure. I felt a bit better but I still feel shitty. I am trying to hold together for everyone else but I am almost at my breaking point of not fucking caring about anyone. And I am sick of dealing with people. People are probably sick of dealing with me. Who wants to be around someone in a funk? Nobody. I get that. That's why I do not blame anyone who walks out on me right now, I blame myself. Part of me just doesn't want to deal with anyone though and I have been making pro/con lists of all the people in my life right now and everyone seems expendable. Maybe if I had a car these problems would ease up because I would not be so dependant on others and I would have some freedom, but I just feel like I'm using people too much so nobody wants to be around me. I don't know. Excuse this rant for being unplanned and shitty I just feel like crap. Maybe I'll overdose and make it easy on everyone else. I seem to be a huge financial and emotional responsibility to a lot of people and I don't know what I am giving back anymore. I'm too tired and busy and self-involved to care though. But that's what journals are for, ranting. Don't take too much seriously. Daphne |