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Horrid Parents Screwing Me Out of Shit Yet Again Hoy. I am unsure what to do about my parental situation. I called my mother yesterday about my thesis presentation tomorrow and she can't make it. I was somewhat okay with that and then I brought up the question of the money my grandmother left me, which I somehow thought was mine. Mom got mad because she claimed that when I rejected it a year it ago it was designed solely for college and if I didn't want it she was going to buy a new roof with it. I thought that I told her that I didn't want it for college because I was set with loans and stuff but I wanted the money to buy a house with, get married, or as a nest egg for starting retirement or something. I will admit my memory on the refusal is not that clear, hence why I journal, but I am still miffed that all the money I released to her is gone. She offered to pay my loans back and I am unsure if I even want her to. I told her it was okay, but part of me wonders if she will even remember graduation after she forgot this event, and if she will remember her word. I could send her the loan forms, which I am thinking of doing, but part of me just wants to pay it off myself and tell her that the money doesn't matter. Apparently she screwed me out of it, as she has many other things in life, so I shouldn't get so attached to it or her. I went through all this shit with Troma and later with Dan before falling asleep. Then I got into the fact that I cannot reach my father. His phone has been on busy all day and I have no idea if he's dead from stroke or if he just wanted to be left alone. Part of me wants him to be dead. It would be pretty damn convenient because then I would inherit the house, which is where he screwed me out of my child support to pay off HIS morgage. Yeah, I got lovely parents don't I? And if he's dead, I would at least inherit the house and that would end the house hunting problem and the car problem with inheriting the truck. It sounds like a good deal to me and after being screwed over by him a lot in life I almost want him to die. Yeah, he's the person I have been the closest too all my life, but right now I dislike them both. My mother, who I thought I was building a close relationship with uses MY money to roof HER house, and my dad mentally fucks me over and then steals most of MY child support from the state to pay off HIS house. *ugh* And I keep debating if I even care if they are in my life. I have this lovely ideal of a functional family but it has never worked out. Right now, I would like both of them to stop fighting with each other and provide me with some help. They won't though and neither phones me anymore. I am getting sick of calling them to see if they are alive or if they even care if I am. So, I am thinking that if neither wants to phone me, maybe I should stop bothering. I have Dan on Dead Dad Patrol this morning because his line's been busy for two days now, but other than that I don't want to check in on him. I have no idea why neither of them doesn't seem to want to be at my big event. That pisses me off. Of course, I thank both parents in my presentation, but it doesn't matter. Maybe I should take them out. I don't owe them much, and they owe me much more. Is it wrong to wish your parents dead if they prove to work against your good? I could also argue that my father is a horrible person on all fronts...but I think that's fairly obvious to anyone who has heard about my abusive childhood and the fact that I lived in terror of social services. I did call them once about the beatings, but after that I was worried that foster care would be worse than home. It probably wasn't. *sigh* not sure what to do. Troma's advice was to use mom's money and then stop trying to contact her. It's apparent that she doesn't want the relationship with me that I want with her. I am still jealous of the affection and care she gives to my sister but she denies me ever since she literally walked out of my life at age eight. I have "forgiven" her for this, but I am still upset she did it. Every day I am reminded of the loss of a real mom and my upbringing as a male child in a male life. Too bad my physical sex doesn't match my mental gender. Anyways, off to work an eight hour shift today and then hack on the thesis. Pagni sent ten pages back with some cuts about my not finding my bad articulation problems beforehand. I wonder why she thinks it's so easy to find. Will admit I am lazy and I haven't been hardcore slagging on it, but I need to. I want to submit a copy for this award by Friday. Ha! Good luck on that. Daphne |