� Some Sites I like � I'm reading |
Stressing Out Hmmmm I've been in and out of funks lately and yesterday it felt nice to get out of things. I feel like I can't keep myself busy enough because partly I don't want to think about shit. I finished my psych draft though and I cleaned a lot of the house and did the chores myself. I was pissed at the world and I hated to think but I ran out of stuff to do so I found myself lying flat on the floor thinking about everything. I don't know what to do about the future and I am having problems dealing with the reality that my father will pass away shortly. i don't like to think about it because I would rather deny the process is happening. I feel incredibly shitty at times, like a horrible daughter, because I ignore him. I am not there, giving him the last intellectual stimulation he needs. I somewhat want to move in but I don't know if I could handle living there again. I don't even like the idea that he is dying right now in the first place. I want to deny that. He's had several near-death incidents so I want to think him invincible...but time is catching up with him. I also just wonder if he's depressed because he doesn't call...and the guilt starts all over again. *sigh* I talked to Dan about this last night a bit before we lapsed into the safer world of Auto Trader. I still don't know how to deal with it. Part of me wants to go to Psych Services but I hate shrinks. I don't know what to do though. The waiting though kills. I wouldn't mind if it was over a little faster. I hate thinking that I want him to go because I do want him around for another ten years...but if I could spend some time with him and let him go faster it would be easier on me. I hate saying that too. It makes me feel horribly guilty. But I've never really lost someone other than my mother. And she is now a part of my life. It took a long time to trust and love her again but death is something different. And my Dad was with me my whole life. He's my primary parent and I think I am the most important person in his world too. It's hard. Anyway, enough crying on that again...been thinking about other shit too. The future. Buying a house, getting a job, living. It's a lot to do and I am a little scared of fucking that up. fear of failure because of a lot of hope. tragic. I am also trying to deal with relationship worries. Dan and I are doing fine but I worry that he might see my love for women as traitorous. I haven't been into men lately and I just want women right now. I want him too...but I worry that my being really off into girls might be scaring him. I don't want to do that. I just feel what I feel right now. I can't help it. It's probably a side effect of the stress and depression. Many Thanks to Troma and Dan last night though. You cheered me up and let me forget shit which helped. I've got work to do today so that should help too. Daphne |