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My Father's Stroke and Suicide Plans as much as I would like to go on about how I rode Dan yesterday on the tiny white couch while watching porn on the computer...I have to write about a few serious issues today, just to keep some people informed. today is my birthday! i am 22! I have to go run around and change some profile setting and hope for some presents. Nothing really happens on that front most years but I can still await the "family money" I get every year. Hopefully, that will offset the cost of the latest piece, though if my dad does not contribute this year I won't blame him. see, this is the serious bit...my Dad thinks he has had a stroke. Yeah. My Dad has had a stroke. I am trying to deal with this right now, or NOT deal with it, as the case may be and I keep having problems. My father, despite all the medical conditions and the fact he only has one leg, has always seemed invincible to me. I never worried much more than a general worry about leaving the state because he does have friends that check in on him regularly and I have trouble thinking about him dying without at least being able to fly back and say goodbye in a hospital environment. That's the method I would most prefer if he does have to die anytime in the near future. and then there's this stroke thing. and I know we must admit that it might not be a stroke and if it was, it wasn't a heavy one. What happened was that one day, he lives by himself so he doesn't talk much, he started talking to someone or something and he realized that he can't talk. In fact, he can't do much with one side of his face anymore. I phoned, and I thought he was just joking around, but he really does mumble and trips over words. with some self control he can talk well out of the other side of his mouth, but it still remains a scary thought. I do not know if he can afford to see a doctor about this, damn health care system!, or if he will. He kind of hates the medical system and tries to avoid it whenever possible. I urged him to go though, but he feels that he can still work numbers and the talking problem doesn't impair his life yet so he might not. We're too practical like that. and that brings me to the scary thought he gave me. I did not come up with this myself, I assure you, he told me this over the phone. I offered to come back and take care of him if things get bad, (I am an only child I kind of HAVE to take care of my crippled dad) or move him out with me so that I could work if he could function during the day. well, he said that would be too much trouble so if the bills got too high or he got too advanced, he would rather *note his idea NOT MINE* shoot both the dog and the cat and then himself so that there would be less problems to clean up the bodies or take care of the animals. Dan added on, in semi-morbid joking fashion, that he hoped my dad would have the brains NOT to use a silencer so that I wouldn't be coming home to some bloody tableau a la Greek Tragedy. Scary thing is, I can see my father doing this. He's been handicapped all my life, and I do believe he has the right to suicide if he wants to take it, but it's still a distressing thought to deal with. I have grown up living with this whole mortality issue and I did see a lot of animals die on the farm, but I can't shake my own fear of death or just general sadness hearing my dad's plans on how he's going to take the burden off of me. although, I must admit, he does have the courage to decide when his body becomes more than his responsiblity that he shouldn't hurt anyone else's life. He's kind like that and he's a realist about his own death, no afterlife, nada. I guess it helps that he's been dead once or twice before (he was braindead and brought back from the first accident and clinically dead a few more times) so he has his own handle on it. I just hope I can get that before I gotta go. Cause I still fear death. anyway...happy birthday to me, I guess! anyone else wanna call me up today and tell me their suicide plans? well, he did it a few days ago...but still... Daphne |