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We're alive Hoy people, hoy! All right, nobody's dead and that's about the best I can say for the holidays. I am back south again and almost glad. Spk is not an asshole, we had a fight over my depiction of him in the last entry where I was hurting, and any and all depictions of him as such are to be read in the context of my anger/frustration. So I'm back. Still upset about shit but back. I got rejected from Teach for America so I have been trying to face my fear of how do I get a job? I am confused as all hell about this and I am scared of failing and having to come home to my father and live at home. That scares me. i also don't want to disappoint my dad or myself. but I honestly don't know how people make careers and I have a ton of options open to me right now so I am puzzled which way to go. normal job, freelance, take a year off, crap job while looking for a good job, more college, etc. too many choices. I am going batshit trying to figure out where I want to move to and what I want to do. on top of this I got to work through my last semester and the thesis as well as job hunt. *ugh* well life isn't easy. :) At least my GPA is finally up to a 3.652! Bleh. home life back is bleh. I want to do something to get my mind off of shit but I don't know what. I feel kind of lost and I am sick so I don't feel like getting out of bed too often. I know that I should work on the thesis but i feel like getting stoned instead, it calms me down, so I do. Stoned watching TV, jacking off and wondering about my future and my illness. I have a cold. That much I got my mother up north. I also have the pelvic pains of PID. But then I get confused. I was constipated throughout most of the vacation with mom and when it starting running again a lot of gas came with it. so were those pains gas pains from my stress killing my bowels when I couldn't cry? Or was that really PID? My cunt burns sometimes when Spk fucks me, but once it's lubed up after a few it's okay. Is that an STD or not? going to the clinic today so I will find out but the pains have lessened so now my paranoia that kept me off of here might be groundless again. argghhh confused. got another good ones too...building a life with spk. We got to try I think but I am not sure how to keep two people together. he wants to get out of the state but he needs to make the first move because I am more flexible but then again i can't sit around and wait...we'll see what happens. that's about the phrase for my life. waiting. I suck at that. i want the next move planned and I got nothing. I am somewhat patient but I got to find something to do soon or I will worry myself into an ulcer or something. sorry about the disconnects, stoned at the moment for happiness. did have great makeup sex with spk though :). He held me down on the floor and roughed me up pretty well before we made it to the bed. fucked me nicely, yay!, and then we did it again when we woke up 7 hours later. "I want to do something but I don't know what..." [good hour of sex + 7 hours nap] "Dammit! why is it whenever I say that, we end up fucking? I wanted to go outside and now it's the middle of the night!" {more sex + weed = sleep} not a bad night, pretty fun. just not sure if my cunt can take too much more...hehe. oh well best to jerk off when high and horny. then off to perhaps work. yay spk bought me strawberry halls! Daphne |