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WORST HOLIDAY EVER Hoy. It's been...it's been...it's been possibly the worst holiday ever folks. seriously. I was hoping to get through this without another bawl session but oh fucking well...here we go. someone else has to hear this for once because I am sick and tired of just spitting it into my paper journal. and hell, maybe one of you out there might click with it and cheer me up. not bloody likely but maybe. *long sigh* yesterday was hell on the top of the cake. I was okay most of the morning. I really was. Proud of that. Sent off the thesis, well half of it, with plans not to touch it until I got back home. Fine. I need some time off of it because I am making my family nuts, and myself. Went to mom's friend's house to give them their presents. Their psycho dogs went nuts at me and I got scared. One nearly bit me the last time I was over so I was a bit paranoid. yea, I know that they can sense those things so I gave up. I started crying for various reasons so I left the house with mom's boyfriend (who is a lovely man, great listener and the only reason I am semi-okay right now). I took a cig and sat with him. I wanted to talk about everything but mom's friend headed out and I wasn't going to get anything off of my chest in front of her. She had a cig with us and thought I was nervy about the dogs, I wasn't, but she tried to assuage my fears that after a few minutes they would calm down. She brought one out and he was all right around me. She finished her smoke and I told her I would be in in a few. I had another. It's been a long time since I chain smoked. I don't do it. I don't like doing it. I felt too messed up to pass on the hope that maybe the nicotine would save me and I needed something to do with my hands so I took another. I should mention here that these were Basic 100s. Real cigs. Full nicotine charge and all. So I had another and confessed my worries. Mom's bf listened. I was discouraged about teaching because I can't reach my sister worth a damn. I want to help but I feel like I can't. I feel orphaned. Mom isn't as involved as she should be. I want to go home. I miss my house. I miss my sanity. I miss not being worried and depressed. I miss my privacy. I cried and cried bunches and he comforted me by telling me that I will be a fine teacher and not to worry about my sister, she's a little nuts too. My mother loves me, eh. I'll be home soon enough and all that. My mom headed out near the end of the second smoke and I was okay enough to go back inside. The rest of the time at her friend's house was good. She had some little kids that were fun to play with and I forgot my worries for awhile. We all came home. Mom found broken expensive toys that my sister robbed the batteries out of and yelled at her. I was still mopey but I decided after that I should give her the sister talk. I borrowed her and took her to her room and sat her down and told her how worried I was for her because of her schoolwork and this game she keeps playing about not wanting to think. I cried at her. I cried at her a lot. I got into all the shit between mom and I, hell she knows, and tried to instill some sense of responsiblity in her. I read her schoolwork from the classes she is flunking and she gets things. She gets things when she wants to. I offered to work through her vacation assignment with her but I can't be here. So I did some ungodly intervention with the family. Jesus only knows why. *waterworks again* I ran into mom's room while she took a piss and asked mom if she kept on top of my sister's schoolwork with her. Mom said that she wouldn't let her, that she thinks my mother is stupid. I nabbed mom's boyfriend, who is also intelligent and interested in the subjects my sister is failing, and pulled him into the mix but he seemed distant. It isn't entirely his family but I told them both that they needed to work with her. Make her work! I want to do it but I can't! I'm not here!! she needs someone to ride her ass but mom claims that she was like this when she was my sister's age and my sister will grow out of it eventually. I can't wait that long. She needs help now but mom refuses to keep trying. I gave up myself. My sister came back, heard the argument and left crying. I don't know if it reached her or not. She came back still crying but I had given up reaching mom. We played the video game I gave mom and I tried to hold back in all the emotions. Spk called around then. I dumped all the crap I had been facing all day on him. crying on the phone again. he was lonely and I get that. I apologized from trying to withhold sex from us to protect him. Stupid idea. Then he decides to pick a fight with me. I don't know why. Part of me wonders if he is that insensitive. I know he had to get it off of his chest...but still. pissy timing. I have been crying about this whole mess ever since. stupid fight too. he doesn't want me to see Coolie again because he is scared that I will do him. Lovely that he doesn't trust me. I hate that. jealousy abounded and it's not like I want to hang out with Coolie but it scares the crap out of me whenever someone tries to control me like that. I have already been too controlled in my life and I AM NOT DOING THAT AGAIN. I am not going to stop living my life for someone. yeah, Coolie's an asshole and I don't want to be around him and I can see spk's complaint but the amount of jealousy was astonishing. that and the lack of trust. God I hate it when people assume the worst in me. Maybe I should just give it up. I'm a known slut and maybe no man ever will trust me but it hurts. It hurts like crazy. and it fucking sucks that he picks the time when I am in the most pain to deliver such messages to me. yeah, I get it. you need to tell me shit but don't be so fucking tactless as to time it when I am bawling over other shit, huh? *sigh* part of me just wants to end it. my sister told me about her cutting episodes too last night and I don't know if I want to tell mom. hell, I don't even know if it would fucking help. She doesn't need any more of my shit. I don't even know why I bother. I want the family to work well together but I am what, an absent member, a strange matriarch who thinks she knows everything but I am only seeing the tip of the iceberg. I should just give fucking up. on everything with spk and with this family. it doesn't even matter. I am getting so goddamn depressed that I am crying CONSTANTLY. no joke. my eyes are red and I just want to kill myself. seriously. I don't even know why I bother with anyone anymore. and I am going to be a lousy teacher. I feel like I can't lead my own life. I can't do stupid drunk college shit. i can't flirt on my own, and yea any other guy would have left me by now, but fuck it was harmless. HARMLESS. and I am fucking scared about everything. scared for my sister. scared for my mom. scared about the relationship. scared about where the hell I am going to go after college. scared about teaching. scared about living. God I fucking hate the holidays. I need to go home and cry. and I mean HOME. not spk's house. My own. I need one big crying session ALONE. which I won't get here. every time I try someone wants to cheer me up. so I cry bit by bit and hope that nobody catches me. I sense a need to do a big one though when I get back. that and smoke. I miss smoking. If I could do that maybe I could be sane again. coasting on cigs and caffinne though won't help. That's what I need. one lonely bawling session and then the ability to forget everything. If I stay up here much longer I fear the worst...I am getting mom's depression. I feel it. It's been such a long while since I woke up crying but I did today. nightmares too. oh well. what would it matter if I did kill myself? I am not helping anyone anyway. as for the disease. it's almost the last thing from my mind in terms of pain. Daphne |