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Going Lesbian for Good? I was going to post the thesis outline this morning, all 8 pages of it, but I forgot to reset the alarm clock so we all ended up waking up at 7:45 making spk horribly late (sorry about my fucking up hardcore this weekend!!!) and myself deprived of breakfast. Blondie the office assistant still isn't in yet and I need to eat. My boss is gone for doctor's appointments and I am pissed as shit about her. Unlike myself, who ran her ass off to make into work on time, she is taking her sweet time to do her hair and makeup before coming in the office and thus screwing me over. selfish bitch anyway, I should have known that I had slept too late because I had a horrible time staying asleep. I had a dream too which never happens on the weekdays. It was a bad dream too but realistic. I was a pre teen again and I was running around with my best friend at the time's family and her. I was getting upset at all sorts of things and getting mad and bratty. I told a lot of people off and sank into myself by wanting to be popular and loved and then hating everyone who didn't. It was very self-indulgent and upon analysis I think that it goes to show me what others are thinking of me right now. yes the ups and downs over women and men right now are real but i shouldn't get lost in it. Swan above sent me a nice email that cheered me up on that front and he's right that I am attractive just the fish aren't biting and from what he hears AFF doesn't work for anyone anyways. So I need to quit being such a whiny little whore over the matters. of course I can say this now because I feel all stable and in work mode and such but I don't know if I can stick to it. I will try and make it tangible by sticking to the diet again and my little beauty routines. hell, in attempts to lift my spirits you might even see me wearing makeup for no reason again... so I am going to snap out of it. It might be easier too now because I have searched within myself a bit yesterday and I have found the root of the problem. The low self esteem is from the feeling that everyone is passing negitive judgment on me but I think the depression is from a sort of squashing of my spirit that has occured from the lack of women in my life. I hate to admit it but I feel like I am going lesbian. I love spk dearly and I am glad that I have one real person in my life but my desires for women are growing rampant and it distresses me that I can't meet any through either normal means or through swinging. so I feel a bit alone on that front. I am feeling a bit mad at the male gender and I don't want to turn into a man hating dyke but I am trying into a dyke. I have decided that for me it's all right. I just don't want to lose spk if I ever find a woman to love. *sigh* I got to get looking though. This need is getting pretty insatiable and even though I would like to find a woman in a couple to play with both of us I do want an emotional girlfriend as well. and I think what is messing me up on that front is that I don't want to detract from the relationship that spk and I have together. I feel a bit like I am betraying him by wanting a woman to love and I don't want to do that. I just want love all around but I can't ignore these desires for a woman. Yesterday was the first time I was able to jack off and picture a woman licking me while I came instead of a man tying me up and fucking me from behind. and when the fantasies change, I must admit that I have changed. I love you dearly spk and I am sorry about all the crap going on with me. I am pulling myself up by my bootstraps though and hopefully things will all fall together for us. Daphne |