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reunited Well, I am up. Spk's still napping. we had one hell of a day yesterday. had a long cryey IM conversation where I got a lot of shit off of my chest about how sociopathic I am getting and how I hate people and all of my frustrations about feeling young and lost while everyone else seems to have their shit together sexually and career-wise. I told him how much I envied old people who got their stuff already set, especially in the realm of their identity, and how lost I feel. It was a good vent session. I have been writing about this into my paper journal but I think we needed to talk about it. We also talked about us and near the end I had to confess that we are back together. I am somewhat glad but part of me does want to be single again. I know that the friends who supported me through trying to breakup will be a bit miffed that this happened but I don't care. spk is one of the few people who is really there for me right now and I can't chuck that away. Sexually, I would like more freedom and more opportunities to play on my own or with him but I am getting sick of looking and it's really doing a number on my self-esteem when I am. I decided that I am not pursuing anything much longer. I don't have the time or the energy to keep hitting the same walls. Had a long horrible night too. Orgy was cancelled so we had to think up something to do. Went in search of Bear in hopes to find some weed but to no avail. I was upset about the party being cancelled and with no weed I was quite moody. I shared my frustrations most of the night but couldn't drink much. I hate drinking when I am angry because it upsets my tummy so I refrained from doing that. we had a nice walk around town on the train tracks and that got me back in some good space. I didn't want his scotch though so we bought some Bacardi R before going home. Drank a little at home and talked again. I was a complete ass and more into my video game than him for whatever reason. I played a bit and he got hard so I turned it off but I sent an email to my regular first so that turned him off. don't blame him for that. talked about whatever and I tried to suck him back up again but he told me that he was too tired and it wouldn't work now that he wasn't in the mood. I tried to be cool about it but I was rather pissed at myself for not thinking things through. I woke him up a little before nine this morning on the finish of a wet dream for me. We were in an orgy with about 12 girls and 3 three guys. some hot chick was making out with me while he was fucking me in it and I was extremely hot for him. I asked him to turn over so that I could wake his dick up but he turned over the wrong way and I got a little miffed. Got him hard though and tried to ride. He looked comotose while I was doing it though and that was a turn-off. Eventually I had to climb down because it was hurting me and ask him to screw me. I felt rather hurt about the whole thing because he just layed there for a few seconds but he got up as I was about to roll over. He got into it soon after that. It felt good and he fed his cum to me, a good sweet load this morning, but I was upset about the situation above and I cried for a few afterwards. I told him what was up and we resolved things. He told me to feel good about waking him up so nicely and let me wank off the rest of what I needed to do. It wasn't a clencher but it felt nice all the same. And he's back asleep. I know, I woke him up with 6-7 hours of sleep so he needs it. I overslept Friday so I am okay. I plan to play Alice for a bit and then get to work on the paper. I haven't done anything on it but I have ideas. He's going to be out buying tires and visiting his mom in the hospital (wish her well) so I will have some space to do it in. I am feeling a bit melancholy about things between us but we are working it out. without definitions I was feeling single but I know that I am not and that part is all right. I am just depressed about a lot of stuff right now that I don't want to face and I think he is right in saying that I am engaging in a lot of self-destructive behavior right now. Personally though, I'd rather just get high and fuck him rotten and forget the whole mess we get ourselves into. I don't know how married people survive sometimes without other sexual outlets and the occasional smoke. I sure couldn't. pardon my sociopathy folks, things will change over again. cycles of funks ya know. and spk...I do love ya, ya know. don't take too much of my fucked up nature to heart. Daphne |