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shopping, vandalism, lonliness all right, finally up enough to write. fuck going to the store for groceries, need to work on my paper, will go to meijer's with spk later I think. need toilet paper at the very least if not food. had a good night last night. jewboy was nice and took me shopping at the mall. I tried to speed shop so he wouldn't be too bored, I know the plethora of girly stores was getting to him. My plan was to get sweaters and some more pants but that didn't work out. I wandered into Express and they were having a major sale so I bought silk pants (size 10, got into an 8 but it made my thighs too icky) a cute silkish pink tank top to be worn braless and very strappy (large but holds me in), and a little red hoodie (took me a while to find a large with a working zipper) which I am loving. loving the silk pants too with no undies, they are super comfy. all for $40 btw... and some eastern european girl sold me a nail care kit in the mall too. she had a hot accent and did a good sales pitch what with knocking the thing down to $20 and pretending that she didn't want the other customers to know. I am sure it was an act but it worked. I walked away after she gave me the demo of the buffer the first time but I kept staring at my nails while I was shopping in Express because they were so shiny that I had to get it. true girliness reigned. went back to Jewboy's, watched Survivor and had fun, then went out to wander. decided to vandalize East Quad while we were wandering around in the basement. I took some laundry out of a dryer and spilled it on the floor. we found a pen and wrote things on doors and such and then went into the dorm proper and wrote shit on markerboards. had a interesting interaction with some people on the 4th floor that informed us that although the dorm was full of lessies none of them drank. how sad. ran out once we were sure too many people were getting wise to us and headed for the 8 ball. my legs were killing me once we got there, too much walking!, and I only bought a long island. waste of getting $20 out of the ATM. Ran into Bear and talked with him for awhile. Tried tongue flirting with people with no luck. I was in a mood to hook up with someone random but I guess it wasn't to be. tried to tongue flirt with a cute couple or two nearby but no luck either. felt rather lonely and down about the whole matter as Jewboy and I walked back to his place on the train tracks but I worked on getting over it on my walk home. I did my late night single habit of singing my feelings out while walking through the dark and came up with a nice ballad of lonliness and rejection. I enjoyed hearing my voice though ring out through the city that late at night though, it was very pleasant, and I hope that someone shared my sympathies. but yeah, the single thing has been rough. pretty sure that spk and I are falling back together and that I am losing whatever space I had fought for. sad really. I love having him around though so I guess I shouldn't complain. It isn't like I am out looking for anything anymore. I have pretty much given up finding anything else. no girls want to talk to me, men are pigs, and I am not bold enough for couples. yes, I agreed to do this whole single finding myself thing but I will have to admit it's rough and lonely as hell. unless I lower my standards in relationships or other human beings, I worry that I will get no contact at all and maybe that is why I panic about being alone. I don't know. I do know though that I should stick with my principles no matter how hard because being slutty is an easy trap for me to fall into for contact's sake. I have done it before and I know that road is a horrible one to haul because a friend with benefits is usually never a friend but merely degenerates into a fuck buddy and I hate being only a release valve for someone else. especially for free. *sigh* so to sum it all up, my friends are awesome, I have cool clothes, I want to have some fun on my own terms but apparently my own terms aren't working with anyone else's so I am getting lonely as hell. still enjoy having spk in my life but wondering if anything really has changed and part of me wonders if it really matters if it hasn't. damn I feel stuck and depressed. so much for ideals. Daphne |