� Some Sites I like � I'm reading |
This is the End, the End of our story end of an era folks, end of an era. I did it. I am still amazed at myself but I did it. I broke up with spk. I am single again and I am glad. It's not that extremely happy glad, more of a melancholy thing at the moment, but it's also a sense of relief. It's over. I don't have to keep working on changing myself or monitoring myself or going through all the pain I have been through in the last two weeks because it's over. I have been watching the end for awhile now and although I have given a lot to attempt to make this work, we are drastically different people and it's not working. There's no shame in admitting that anymore. I felt a lot of highs and great things in the relationship but the lows have brought me so down lately that I sat through and thought it out, and honestly, as strong as my feelings for him are, I can't find too many logical reasons for either of us to stay together. So I broke it to him last night. It's not completely over because we still have to swap stuff. We discussed issues with each other and he said some hurtful things and took back some others. I probably did the same. If he's right, I am a selfish little bitch who may never find love because she is too busy feeding off of her partners. So be it. I think both of us feel like we are the altruists in the relationship and maybe we both are. I gave a lot into it though from my end, and I recently just decided that I can't handle it anymore. Spk needs a nice woman his own age who is into swinging and doesn't have my mental problems, which are all the more reason to get away. But I won't bring all the messy shit up. That's wrong. I decided to give him my moped though because I was going to learn to ride it with him and I wanted to emulate his motorcycle skills and it's been broken so long that it would be better left with him. Maybe he can fix it and sell it for a bit if he's lucky. Besides, he should be saving lots of money with not seeing me anymore. He did say something entirely sweet to me which brought me to tears though, he wants to see the summation of all my studies. He wants to be there for the thesis presentation and see me graduate because he feels that he has put a lot into that. I thought that was touching and I told him that we might be able to be friends after a period of separation. I need time to get over this big thing and stop crying and learn to see him in a different light and for that I need space. I tried to thank him though for all that he has taught me. I learned a lot about sex and sexuality with him and I am glad that my eyes are open to the options. I don't know if I will ever pursue them again but I am glad I did. I learned a lot about being an adult too and I told him that my problems now might not be issues later once I get some living of my own under my belt. Which brings me to my master plan for Senior Year. I got out to fix my personal problems and get my confidance back and all of that. So I have decided to stay single. And actually be committed to that for awhile. Through all these college years, all I have done is serial monogomy with slight gaps of a couple of months of heavy dating between. No more. I am not going to be my mother, I am going to learn to be myself. I haven't really had time to just be myself and hang out with friends and really learn what it means to be independent, and he's right about that. I need me time, and time to do that young 20s "find yourself" thing. Every time I get involved with someone I tend to adopt a lot of their goals, dreams, and ideals. And I don't want that anymore. I want to learn what my own are. And I think this time might give me that power and when I do decide to get back into something it will be much stronger for the knowledge. My other goal, in addition to rebuilding my mental issues and finding out about who I really am, is to find good friends and maybe a woman to love. I think this time it will have to be a woman. I am a little man-sick at the moment and I really want to have a lesbian relationship. I am not sure if this is just a phase or what but that is where I want to go and now, who is going to stop me? Men, well, as tricks I will see them, but otherwise I am not going to be duped. and I might finally get to meet people my own age. I like hanging with the adults but I am worried that I can't relate to my peers and that I might have lost something not getting involved in University activities and such. I like the older crowd but I would like to figure my own out as well. And I'm single so maybe I will. sitting on a pile of options right now and none of them looks as painful as the last few days have been. No idea where I will I go but if I am a selfish bitch and all I do is screw then so be it but I aspire to figuring myself out and if that leaves me alone in my room for a long time just being that's fine too. I'll get the hang of things on my own and I want to be on my own for once, because I feel like I never really have. and to all those of you real life friends out there who have been lending me shoulders to cry on and courage and strength to do this, THANK YOU. I may be publicly crying a lot for the next week or so but I feel a lot better. The weight of throwing myself into a brick wall about the relationship issues is gone and hopefully spk and I can both find a better life, or at least a life that matches each of our ideals more. I still love him a lot so I wish him the best of luck in the world finding a woman that is much less messed up and much more compatible. and of course, this will probably be the last time he is mentioned here. I agreed not to use his pics ever and I made copies for him and yes, those were some of the happiest times we ever had together, and I will miss that. but maybe I will gain something more. who knows? "oh what Brave New World, that hath such treasures in it?"~Miranda the Tempest. as for the newish pics, they're just me but check them out at http://photos.yahoo.com/missunxeroxable and I probably messed up the quote but oh well...it matches my mood of adventure folks, wish me luck, I could sure use it. Daphne |