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it's never enough blaahhhhh I am doing better with the lonliness but that has been replaced by the horniness issue. I feel like a french whore on VE Day but sadly nothing seems to be enough. I cheered out of my hole on Sat for a bit. Spk stopped by for breakfast and gave me a bit of a present, well to hold anyways. I got altered and watched some of my movies over again and I had fun doing that but after a while I was getting a headache so I decided to stop. I was still lonely though so I headed into some chats looking for people to just talk to and stuff but nobody wanted to do that. they just wanted to see my tits on cam. I was miffed at this because I really needed to talk to someone and exhibtionism at that point wasn't what I wanted. I got a few starters going and then M who had been emailing me for awhile hit up on my window and we had a nice chat between cars for awhile. That really cheered me up for a while but it didn't last. eventually i fell asleep and spk rolled in from the track post midnight and we both went to bed. sunday was better. I at least had some company but I was/am going batshit in my apt so I insisted that we had to go out and do something. spk had a cool idea, with some bad execution, and we went out to a park and I was led around with my hands strapped behind my back with nothing but my bra and skirt on, both revealed, in case we had to cover me up. we found a fire circle and he fucked me on the flat of a rock there and that was AWESOME, some bicyclers came by and yelled things but it was fun. I kind of wish that there weren't so many bugs out and that I had brought a hair tie though. the bondage wasn't bad but I felt like I was being eaten alive and sweating so badly with my hair flying around was horrible. I got used to it eventually, and once the damn breezes started up it was okay, but I think my whininess might have had something to do with my problem... the rest of the day we spent at home. some guy we talked to online called us and said that he would be free later but he never called us back. I was feeling really slutty so spk's little fantasy of going to the truckstop was working on me but he got tired early so we didn't go. I tried to get him interested in me but maybe my bratiness earlier in the day did it because I felt like I was chasing something that wasn't going to happen. and that is my problem. I am sick of chasing people sexual or otherwise. and I know that spk has just been having work problems and whatnot but I am SOOOO horny! really right now I am just ready to pop and I keep feeling like he doesn't want me at all. I rub his back but he just lays there. I press up against him and give him all the signs I can think of that I am interested but he is either tired or into something else. I miss those early days when we couldn't keep our parts apart! It's been almost two years now and is that already dead? *sigh* I keep wondering...and yeah, I will admit that I can be demanding but when I am cockhungry I would like to take advantage of the situation. recently, he was bemoaning the fact that I wasn't interested and now that I am...nothing. I don't know if it is deliberate, some sort of BD sex starving technique, or just cycles misaligning. either way I have that feeling again like I am forcing him to have sex with me and I shouldn't. and here's the self esteem issues again...spk has built me up a lot in the past couple of years so I know that I am not extremely repulsive. I am young and hot and horny and I think most people would like that in a girl. but maybe I am asking too much. I miss swinging and I know that new meat gets him more excited than I do but *long sigh* I wish that I could do it for him too. like I said, maybe I am just being acutely aware of the situation or blowing it out of proportion but with the issues I have with women right now I am almost at the point of telling everyone that I feel like I have talk into being with me, sexually or otherwise, to take a hike. It's kind of like if they want to be here they will be but I am getting sick of begging people to be around me. and yes, I know how whiny this entry sounds so I know that perhaps that is why people hate me. usually though I keep this stuff to myself. I have tried to raise it many times though with others and I feel like I am just talking to hear myself go. nothing will ever change unless I make the changes. *sigh* so maybe I should just shut off all of my horniness. say screw it. I am getting tired of rejection. I am also getting tired of having to please myself when all I want right now is a bunch of throbbing cocks. I am not in the mood for women anymore because a lot of them have been figurtively screwing me over as of late and I am sick of the headtrips. at least men will give you their cocks if they have to mess with your mind, women will just mess with it and not give up anything. which is another thing I don't get. why won't women make love with other women on the spur of the moment? unlike men, we won't give you STDs or get you pregnant. all I have are fingers and a tongue and some toys. nothing to seriously mess you up! but women are weird and I am divorcing myself of all of that bullshit. either give up the goods and let me know you like me or don't bother with these games. ok I think that I am almost done ranting. would like to thank spk for a lovely morning fuck today. that really helped. I hate being in this shitty mood, maybe the Zelnorm is a downer, I don't know. I had some awesome dreams though and I wish that some of them could come true. the best one was that I got to pelt an old bully/bitch in her prom dress with mud clots and wrestle her into the mud and make her recant everything she ever said about me. very nice and vindictive. I am feeling a bit better now that the rant is out and I am sorry for being so demanding spk. I will learn to keep my sexuality under wraps and not bother you with it again. I am sick of chasing everyone and I should learn to be with myself first rather than others. Part of me knows though that I should have spent this weekend writing and editing but I really wanted to have some fun. of course, spk is talking about having fun next weekend but I am sure that the hornies will be used up by then and the doldrums shall return. well at least the borings can't get me in trouble. Daphne |