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rejection, depression, electrodes, shennanigans hey all, it's a new day and I am out of my depressoid funk that I was in yesterday thanks to spk and D both of whom were nice to call me around the same time last night and let me vent my frustrations and grief. It's strange that I can get so emotional and bound up in stuff that I've never had and then start getting depressed and hating myself over it. I know part of it is PMS but I have always wondered if I do have a chemical imbalence or something, I mean other than PMS, because I get into high manic states on my own and then I crunch into low states on my own as well. The lows suck pretty badly but when I went in to see if I was MD they told me that I didn't get depressed enough or manic enough to qualify because I usually snap out of the lows fairly quickly. and I tried that yesterday. I sat around thinking about all the good things I have and not the fish that got away. I have Spk, I have D, I have parents who are both still alive and speaking to me, I have a nice apt, I have myself, I have my work, I have a community of women who support my work, I have my youth, I have my body, I have my mind, and I have limitless opportunities. yes, I will admit that the couple that rejected me shot me pretty low yesterday because I really liked them and I really liked the woman in particular and I felt horrible because I believed that it was my fault that she backed out. I sent the email that should have jazzed her up but instead frightened her off. I tried to make amends but it didn't help. I didn't want to face spk after knowing that I fucked up again so I felt that I can never succeed at meeting people and that there must be something intrinsically wrong with me. I felt like an outcast. I felt almost as horrible as I did all through elementary and middle school when nobody would be my friend and everyone hated me, teased me, laughed at me, and tormented me. Basically, I felt like shit because of the rejection. D made me infinately happy with our time together and I thought that I extend that and teach that to another woman, that happiness of losing oneself brillantly and enjoying it, and I was excited to do so but when I read her rejection letter I went crash into the pile of the blues. ~half smile~ but I got out of it. That's kind of why I hate PMS. It puts me on edge and a rejection that would normally make me bummed for an hour or two lasts all day and makes me question whether or not I am a good person in the first place whereas when I am not PMSing I would normally just shrug it off and hope that she would reconsider. Right now though I am tossing the reconsider part because I don't think it will happen. I like her and her partner a lot but spk is right, getting together would be infrequent at best and if she has problems with us it is best that they explore on their own. My dreams may be crushed but the good thing about dreams is you can always make more :) anyway, if you want to check out the loss that I am bemoaning folks, it's Carli and her girlfriend whose blog is here: http://cutecouple19.diaryland.com and yes, she's hot as heck and he's awesome too...so *sigh* so it goes, right? other than being a little depressed yesterday I had an okay day. I did the electrode experiment that involved a pretty fun computer game but the hard drive on their machine filled up and they had no idea how to get the program to deposit it somewhere else so they had to unhook me after two trials and set me free. They were nice and paid for the full three hours and let me wash the nasty gel out of my hair, which I didn't fully get out until I got home. The electrodes were kind of fun but the gel they use with them is kind of grainy and they had issues with my long hair. I liked the game though, that was always fun, and I learned later that I was just competing with my former self and that the other woman was a decoy. I earned some bonuses but they assured me that by the end of 70 rounds I would be in the red so it wasn't needed to award me anything extra. I thought it was cool enough that they let me out early and paid me because I had a little time to work on my thesis. not much though because I only got through one section, although I will admit that I chatted online with AZ for a long time and his subbie girl who is rather cool. lol, another fantasy of mine is definately marrying that boy...I could use someone that I can dominate who is okay with spoiling me :) other than that, I didn't reach spk until late into the evening but he said that he was okay with the couple backing out sat night because they would soon be too far to really see each other often. I told him that I was more worried when I couldn't reach him but I was glad that he was all right. D beeped in the middle of the call and was looking for her license and credit cards and things but I couldn't find them. I told her my issue and she cheered me up a bit. I know, she was in a hurry too so it wasn't a big deal. And Today is Shennanigans Day!!!! So I can't be down! hahaha! Will ask Troma about hitting the carnival as a prelude to the karoke because that starts later in the night. I am brokeish so I don't think that I will be drinking much. I also need to probably hit a money machine though so that I can get laundry money and things -found out that I am two bras from cleaning out the drawer- but hopefully it will be a good time. Sadly though, we have to kick Troma out of the office this morning when he gets in because he and my little boss are having personality clashes so that is upsetting the whole balance. That means that I should have nabbed the book I am taking notes on but oh well...I will do that tomorrow night. I also skipped some of that to watch Top Model last night but that was worth it. They had the nude competition and two girls pussed out but the two girls I love Elyse and Adrienne did the shoot and they looked wonderful. I love Elyse because she is so cute and butchy and smart, she wants to be a doctor and only did the modeling thing to see if she could do it. I love Adrienne because she is a tomboy and can hack it as a model. I have no idea which one will win but I hope that they both have good careers and I was sooo happy to see them naked on TV! they also go a presidential suite to themselves for winning the Couture competition and they were pretending to be a couple and carrying each other over the threshold and sleeping next to each other with their tops off...mmmm...anyway, nice lovely thoughts. see back into the horny happies :D life gets me down at times but I try not to stay down. D picked me up and spk picked me up and AZ picked me up last night so thanks. big hugs to y'all and I can hardly wait to see D again...must do a few lovely somethings this summer when I have a bit of time. Daphne |