suicide is painless...it brings on many changes...
well here I am at computer 22 in the West Hall lab, which is my favorite place to be to do these entries =)
one good thing about my emotional state right now, angst, is that I can tap into what is left of my songwriter talent and come up with some bad ass lyrics and tunes. I haven't done it in a long time, since high school, and they aren't written down yet but I am enjoying that burst of creativity.
*sigh* I am changing my life around again...or thinking about it. debating really. I enjoy my life right now and I like the way I turned out but I am having huge issues with integrating all of myself into my daily life and it's bugging me. I am also trying to expose all of me to my friends and loved ones and that's not going so well either. in short, it's backfiring, big time. and I haven't even begun to talk to my parents even...so I am not getting much hope for coming out all over. I am lucky that I have some good friends who attempt to understand me but they don't get all of my situation. And those that do just aren't around to talk to. maybe I need to move to another part of the country or find some people that can be open about eveything. I find that swinger friends are pretty close minded on other subjects and don't want to talk about personal stuff or feminism and feminists aren't too interested in sexaul freedom...well FULL sexual freedom anyways. So I feel a bit lost again and my nerdy side is dying to do something nerdy again and it frets that I did something horrible when I gave up being fully nerdy to be...whatever hodgepodge I am today. and my inner feminist is appalled that I have decided to give spk the reins for swinging and not be bold enough to control my own life. but frankly, I am sick of controlling everything. Codi will be buying a new car and we can daytrip out somewhere and I hope to involve Top Hat and Troma more in my lives because they are good local friends and my buddy Moscat might be able to come through from time to time to work on a film or some creative project so if the summer gets going in good force I might feel a bit more balenced. My thesis is taking up a lot of time and so is slutting around looking for couples, if anyone knows of a good way to meet swingers PLEASE let me know...yahoo is getting very useless, and spk isn't into my nerdy stuff so I avoid bugging him about it, which I shouldn't because I watch car stuff all the time and it's only fair to turn the tables once in a while. But I hope that I can see more of my friends and make some new ones that are more accepting of me because right now I don't feel like I can talk to certain people about certain things and that blows. I am almost at the point though where I am going to give the entire game of my life away to my world just to get it out there and end all of the bullshit. I have never been very good at hiding shit because I hate doing it and I am getting to the age where I am too impatient to care if people stop accepting me. It will suck to lose my parents and my family if they can't handle it but I have never been superclose with them anyway so I will survive.
WARNING: MORBID DISCUSSION FOLLOWS: THE WRITER DOES NOT PLAN TO COMMIT SUICIDE, MERELY DISCUSSES IT TO PURGE HERSELF OF THE IDEA
Which leads me to the thought of starting over. Once again, I got in a funk last night and had the same suicidal question...would it really fuck up my karma if I tossed this life and went onto the next? I don't see suicide as against God or anything like that, I have always seen it as a way to accellerate the death process and if you are sick of life I do believe that you have the right to kill yourself. maybe the next go around you might have a better shot, or enjoy being a bird or whatnot. so it's not a moral issue for me beyond my general fear of death and the fact that if you do succeed you toss whatever you have acquired this lifetime, which is kind of a bummer.
so I thought about it again. not really seriously of course, but I wondered what would have happened if my sexual awakening happened a little slower or what else was out there if I did start over. would I finally have that great body? would I finally be comfortable with myself? would I get a good family? would I be more patient? or would it all crap out and I be doing toad lives for the next 500 years...I don't know.
but I've thought about it. and like all good killers yeah, I have a pseudoplan. The psychologists hate to hear that because it seems that you are really serious but even in high school I couldn't commit suicide. I wrote a stageshow about it once where the protagonist was a special effects tech and she killed herself on stage in a bathtub to prove a point to a lover. the lover walked out on the scene though because they thought it was faked only to find out the day after that they had watched a suicide. The climax of that scene was written to Blink-182's "Alone" I think it was...check out Enema of the State, it's that album.
anyway, my pseudoplan, lol. After much consideration in high school...I got this all down then with some minor revisions...I decided that I was a wimp when it came to ending my life so I am still going with overdosing. I still have enough drugs in my house to do it and part of me still thinks that even before I kill myself I would spend all of my money on more. heeeyy may as well enjoy all the forbidden substances like herion and crack if you are heading on the way out anyway. that and lots of raw sex with pretty much anyone. buy some whores and enjoy life for a couple of weeks and then grab some water and down all the pills in the bathroom. the cramps would hurt like hell but compared to jumping off of dennison, my second choice, it seems rather painless.
now to add in my flair for drama...carousing around and then dying in the bathroom works if I am single because nobody would catch on. but sadly I am in the public eye and I do have friends and spk now so I can't do anything that wild because it would be SO noticeable. so here comes the part of my mother here that says if I am going to kill myself now I had best make it a complete and shocking surprise...which obviously it isn't anymore...but will get to that later. I read in one girl's blog that her grandpa died in his sleep next to her gramdma a few days ago, which would be more than enough to give me the paranoids waking up. now, I don't think that I am that cruel but it's an idea. personally, I think that I would be more apt to do it in the bathroom and have all the cramps and whatnot in there and let whomever find me in the morning...I thought about that scene a lot when living with my father. sneak out, OD, take a nap on the floor and let the relatives deal with the mess. kind of like my mom disappearing...a touch of the dramatic to make things truly tramatic.
I would like to state again at this point that I have no plans to enact this at all. I just want to get my morbid fantasy off of my chest.
That and I can't enact it. I found that out in high school too. My friend...hmmm what's a good name for her...well I based my comics Wendy the Waif off of her so will call her Wendy. anyway, Wendy was quite messed up and probably still is. she was anorexic, bulemic, promiscuous, and generally an idiot. This is from the time when I had bad friends. Wendy was also a cutter, for those of you who aren't up on the lingo a cutter is someone who slits their wrists or other parts of their body repeatly for emotional relief. and I know that she was trying to commit suicide. I told her grandparents, whom she was living with, this and they thought I was a bad infulence and forbade her to talk to me. (this happened a lot with my self-destructive friends) well, while we were able to talk to each other I picked up some of her cutting stuff, or at least I tried.
and then I discovered it wasn't my thing. I could have done it much easier then her with all the scapels lying around my house but I was too chickenshit to go through with it, sound familiar? but I did pick up my own self destructive behavoirs after a while most notably biting and headbanging.
biting I haven't done, exempting sunday night's sex when I bit my wrist to avoid a bloodcurding scream of pain, in a long time. I try not to because it is SO obvious to the rest of the world. I bite my wrists when I get to crying about things that I can't cry about at that particular time, like at a party, or in the office, or around my father. luckily, I am learning that it is okay to cry so I haven't done it in a few years but it's easy to detect when I do because there are tons of marks, no blood just marks and bruises, about midway up my forearm, usually the right, from my teeth. hard to hide and often question provoking.
headbanging, on the other hand, provokes less questions if done in private and more of a reaction when done publicly. I haven't indulged this in a while either, since I fought with my ex in fact, but the last episode was pretty scary so I think it taught me to halt. generally speaking, I attempted to throw my head into a door and a brick wall. I have a hard head so it doesn't hurt very much, just rattles it, and when it does hurt it is pleasurable. mostly though, I am full of tears and rage so I don't notice the pain until afterward. the last one was scary though because I got really into it. I was VERY upset, and when I get mad I tend to internalize it, and then instead of acting on the person making me mad I act out on myself. So midway through the argument I rushed into the door and began whipping my head into it and the wall. Luckily, the ex grabbed me and held me and soothed me until I stopped...which is usually the best thing to do. If I am upset I want attention and to know that I am loved and respected not left alone and told to deal with it. My father did that to me a lot as a kid and I learned that if I get emotional I want to be held and soothed not thrust out into the cold because the other person doesn't understand my emotions. and yea, if I ever get in that state again, FAKE IT if you need to.
but I've been good these past two years with spk and I haven't been self destructive. I have my moments of being upset at the world and raging but I haven't tried to put any part of my body into any harm and I am glad. after reading this a lot of you might think that I am messed up but I need to let you know that occasionally I think about these things and I think that that is normal. most of the actual deep thought and behavoir was in high school and I am past it. I never could make it work anyway because I know that life can be changed no matter what and the only thing that traps you in a situation is yourself. and strangely enough...my mother taught me that through her drastic departure. she decided that she wanted out so she got out. I just waited my turn in high school and now if I want out of something I know that I can get out.
but I have decided that I want to stay a little longer. I love spk and I like swinging but I need to find some people where things click. he needs to find some women so I gave him the reins. you pick the couple and I'll tag along. if I have a problem I will speak up. If you want to go and I don't then I'll stay home. almost everything he leads me to though turns out wonderfully so I am not going to worry about it anymore. I put my normal life in God's hands too and we'll see what happens. If I am destined to work I will work. If not, that is fine too. I won't go out searching for much besides friends and some play partners, instead I will sit back and see what drifts over. I have learned that =) waiting for the fish to bite in my world tends to lead to a lot of nibbles.
in other less serious news, I am getting a new matress. well, a twice used one, but hopefully in good condition. mine is currently the spine breaker. my dad wants me to buy a really good one to last me a few years but I don't think I will have the bed that long. It all depends what happens after college though so I shouldn't rule that out. he is going to help me move it though and I hope that the two of us can do it.
I also almost got into the tunnels yesterday but this other tech had to walk up. I was talking to a tunnel rat in front of an open shaft and I was going to offer him a bj to go down there but another guy happened along so I had to bug. I did see the inside of the tunnels though, and sadly, they are not the shit I thought they were. how disappointing...
other than that, been reading up on sex work and cruising the chatrooms. I think I might head out tonight at 10pm and see Catch me if you Can at Top of the Park...it will be a late night but the movie had good reviews.
been an hour writing this...sorry for the pathology folks. will be back to sex soon, I swear.