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Worries about Dad Nothing much going on. I had that flu for awhile, then a good bout of allergies. Now, I can breathe but my face is all broken out. I doubt I'll make any more sales this week. I wish I knew how to crack into some of these accounts, but I don't. All I know is to try and stay persistant. Oh, I got the established reps' panties in a bunch yesterday morning. They were trying to help me, and I was listening, but I guess they thought that I thought they were yelling at me. I don't think they were. I think they were a little worried/upset that I might be using all the free time I have to cold call on clients they've already tried working with. I don't think I'll be able to turn anyone around, anyone big anyways, or do anything that those big boys can't do. They're the ones with all the experience, brains, and practice. I'm just taking pot shots at anything I can right now. Nothing seems to be panning out, but I know its only been two weeks. Selling can also be a slow process. And my dad is still alive. I had to check on him today after getting two phone calls after work. I should've kept my personal cell on just in case, so I felt really guilty getting some worried voicemails regarding my dad. It turns out, he fell yesterday and didn't get up until this morning. His friend John came over and helped up from the floor by his desk where he slept. John claims he was in much worse shape when he found him. He was shaking from the lack of sugar, confused, and addled all to hell. For me, he was pretty much the same. I couldn't get him to eat anything, John could, but I did get a nice suicidal rant instead. I don't know what to do about that. I had to tell my Dad that I was a pussy and I couldn't kill him. I carry enough guilt over my issues with mom, and even if he does want to die I can't percipitate that. I know he needs help, and that he wants to do it, but I couldn't face myself if I hurt the one person who always loved me. Part of me knows it would be with his blessing, but that doesn't help. I just can't do it. I know I can live through the news he's killed himself; I am braced to hear that sometime soon. I just can't handle hearing about the details of the paperwork, etc., that he's trying to advise me on while he still can. Shit people shouldn't have to go through this crap with their parents. I'm going to try and find somewhere to talk this out. I don't know if there are any groups about people with suicidal parents, but if not maybe I'll form one. Hell, I can't be the only one out there with this problem. I'm sure people trying to "pull the plug" share the same guilt to some degree. I just wish my Dad wouldn't make me feel so guilty. I know its my emotion, but I feel bad for neglecting him. I also feel some guilt that I can't do what he really wants me to do. I'm not a tough Vietnam vet like he is. I can't kill something even if it is in its own best interest, and that makes me weak. So, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Well, at least the right people have my work contact information, right? Now, I'll be able to attend to his madness or identify the body sooner, if needed. Got to go prep the girls at work about this tomorrow. Yippee Skippee.... Daphne |