After reading through the adult ed class offerings and debating if I should take more computer program classes to make me more employable, I realized that my "year off" is nearly up. I have two months left before it really has been a year since I graduated.
So, what have I done again?
I'm sure I messed up my already alphabet soup of a resume by taking a year off. I don't know how to fix it. I know I need some Quickbooks and accounting classes if I want to get back into bookkeeping/receptionist work. I really don't. I just don't know what else to go into.
I'm giving up on the Vegas job, that's for certain. I'm sick of calling them and asking if I'm still hiring. I'll just chalk it up to being another ripoff. Maybe my accountant is right; maybe I do need to get out of modeling. I know I need to if I want to maintain some sort of self esteem as not measuring up the ideal beauty type desired these days leaves me feeling really low. It's bad enough when I feel that way in my personal life, though mentally I believe I'm attractive, but working in an industry that focuses on that probably isn't helping.
As for escorting, that was suppossed to be a stop gap solution or something to keep me going while I'm doing creative projects. I haven't been motivated to do the latter in a while, and I know I'm losing time. Part of me thinks I'll succeed just fine if I can sell a few of those and have patience, but another part of me suspects that's just an excuse. Problem is, I DO like escorting. If it was decriminalized, I wouldn't have a problem with it at all! Yes, you do get bad/crazy/nasty clients from time to time, but 98% of the time the business is pretty calm. I don't have to fight many people to use protection. Most men enjoy their visit, and I tend to enjoy the attention and the work. Working alone, I don't feel like I'm competing with other women physically, unlike porn where the audition is mostly physical NOT skillful evaulations, and I can use my body to its advantage. I pay my taxes so I feel like John Law should leave me alone, but I know that's not the case. One of the local girls did turn me on to a good criminal lawyer though, should I need him, but I honestly don't see why these transactions are illegal because, outside of fears of being booked, most of us upper end call girls stay in the industry because we perfer it, NOT because someone is forcing us.
That leads me to another decision I feel I need to make in the near future. I know, I've been saying this for about 5-10 years now, but I got to get out of this state. Michigan just isn't working in terms of the location, the job market, or any sense of interest. Yes, I have some family and a few friends out here, but I'm getting lonely and unmotivated. The longer I stay around the ultraconservatives in this area, the longer I stagnate, and I can't take this much longer. I need adventures, stimulation, direction. I don't know how else to get it without moving far enough away to consider it a rebirth of sorts. Don't know why, but the wanderlust of my mother is making me crazy.
Speaking of which, despite my anti-canuck cracks, I am reconsidering moving to Canada again. (Been saying that for 5-10 years too!) Yeah, it's going to be colder, which won't help, but at least I'll have some priviliges for the same standard of living that I don't have here because our country is so messed up. I'll also have the peace of mind knowing that my country isn't running out to ruin the world every chance it gets. No, Canada is pretty damn peaceful and doesn't really strike me as a super power. Like most of Europe, which would be my first choice to move to if the government is willing put us wannabe ex-patriates on a boat and ship us off, it's the first world, but it's not agressive. It doesn't rule the world. It knows its place is in cooperative action to aid everyone, not domination for personal gain. So, the people are more laid back, happier, and generally more understanding of personal foibles. Canada, in particular, has a few items that America really should get before it starts losing citizens. (Honestly though, if you want to ship me off Bush send the boat! I'll go quietly. I just want out, not to start a ruckus, and I'm poor so it's harder to do on my own. Vancouver would be the best place for me or Britain. Pres's choice.)
1) Prostitution is legal in Canada. Getting a work card is like getting a dance card in Detroit, though registration bothers me for different reasons.
2) Pot is semi-legal in Canada. British Columbia and Alaska have the best laws on growing and smoking, but overall it's not a big deal up there if you're not dealing.
3) National Health Care. Yeah, there are some problems with it, but it's better than having none at all. I bet few of you know how much your medical bills would really cost you if you were in my boat.
4) Topless beaches. Why is America so square again? Oh yeah, damn Puritains! Why couldn't we be founded by the French?
5) Less insane ultra-conservatives! Yes, for every Religious Righter you lose you gain a Qubecian Secessionist, but they're really harmless in comparison. Sure, they want their own area to speak French in for some cultural reason, but they're not out to conquer the world. Fact is, I'm still not sure why Canada even keeps them. Let them seceede if they want to! Outside of some nice maritime business, what's Quebec got besides the French? Not much. It could stand the loss.
6) And finally, Canada has a much shorter national anthem to memorize. With the rising population of poorly educated youth in America, I'd like to see a test run to determine how many high school graduates actually KNOW the whole anthem. I'm betting most don't. So, adopting the much shorter Oh Canada will probably be more useful. We also would avoid pre empting the anthem at sporting events because it would only take 1/3-1/2 the time to sing.
So, yeah that's the general beefs with America right now.
Anyway, I'm feeling like a failure again and I hate it. I don't know what to do with myself, but I kind of do. I know what to do if I want to pursue certain choices, but I hate making the choice. Part of me still wants a normal life because that's what I was trained to want, and another part of me wants to work creatively and see if I can sell a few book ideas. It will be hard work though and I can't keep putting it off. I probably need to stop smoking too as I can't seem to control that habit. After talking with the lawyer, I've decided not to keep anything at my apartment. Hopefully, this will get me working on things instead of falling into the easy habit of slacking off.
God I wish I was 10+ years down the road already. I know something great and interesting will happen over the next few years, I just hate waiting for it. I know I need to make it happen too. The waiting is driving me insane and I feel like I should be somewhere else doing something else. I just wish I knew what.
Will post doxie pics tomorrow or later today. I keep forgetting to bring the camera cable over to Dan's. She's really cute and we worked out a solution last night after she got around the door twice last night. She sleeps in the same room as me, but in her crate. That's fine. I would let her in the bed, but I don't want her going in the bed, so this sort of works. I kind of regret buying her a huge cage yesterday, but she'll still need it for those times at home when I need to stick her somewhere for a few. She was really quiet and not whiny though once we did that, so I'll give Dan credit, his idea worked. I thought she was just going to treat us to the loud version of her concert, but I was wrong. She was also a really good puppy and held it for at least 6 hours as she didn't mess her crate at all.
Yeah, don't talk to me unless you want doggie talk. I'll try to avoid doing it, as I know how bad kid/puppy talk can be, but speak up if it's annoying ya.
Thinking of going to the tattoo convention at Cobo this weekend. Not sure if I want to go as I'm broke and I have nothing interesting on me. I am considering going to get my clit hood done, but that will depend on business today. I've been wanting it for awhile, but I go back and forth on it. I think I'll just have to do it and see. Otherwise, I'll never get up to it.