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Resolutions and other stuff... I must be having some bad luck with holidays lately. Either that or my regular run of bad luck just gets amplified. I don't know which. I'm hoping that the new group Dan and I started on yahoo (link to the left) works out. If we monitor it right, we should have a nice crowd for parties and individual play. Well see. Anyway, I'm going to forget all that crazy shit. NYE brought up a lot of internal crap. I blame PMS for most of it, but it's got me debating if I should go see a shrink. I don't want to. I'll admit I don't want the stigma, even if almost everyone does it at one time or another. For me though, it would be an internal failure, so I have to know that I'll get enough out of the experience to eat humble pie. Truth is, I desperately need some third party to talk some shit out, especially the big crap about my mom, and if they can help me understand/embrace it more, the embarassment will be worth it. I think getting over the trauma surrounding my mom will free me from some of my stumbling blocks, so I'm almost ready to try it. The sucky thing is that I don't want to go through the process of picking a therapist. I know I have a lot of unique problems and I need someone who won't pass moral judgements on my lifestyle. In the Brighton area, I'm unsure if I can find that person. I'll keep the idea in mind though, and if things get worse, I'll invest some time in checking that option out. It might be nice to break the cycles of fear and guilt. That's about the closest thing I have to resolution. I still want to drop some weight, but I have to find an outdoor activity I like. I'm working on that. I'm also trying to see myself as more than a body, and get my mind back in the game. I miss academia terribly because I never had to worry about my appearance, and now it's everything. That's an ironic turn for me. I'm going to avoid obsession with my body though because I want to stop the anorexic cycle. Don't worry, I can't physically support full anorexia (damn hypoglicimia), but I've been through the eating disorder failure guilt before. It's an ugly place to be. So, I'm going to focus more on my abilities than my looks. I won't forget exercise, but I'm not going to be crazy about it, I hope. In general site news, it seems Arborblogs isn't carrying me anymore. They are using RSS feeds and it seems Dland won't. I tried to figure out how/where to transfer the site, but I like it here. I know the system and the mom-and-pop aura is nice. Besides, I'm an ex-pat who might be heading to Vegas, so I don't really belong there. That's why that link dispappeared in case you're wondering. For those ladies who read the blog thoroughly, do you remember the skintag guy? Well, I ran into him on yahoo when he applied to join our new group. So, if anyone named bigbyrd4u2nv starts talking to you, run! This guy is a FREAK! Speaking of freaks, we had one single guy over Saturday night and he was a little nuts. I mean, I know guys jerk off a lot, but DAMN!! It was like he was bragging about it or something. I guess it's good to be a pervert, but I've always believed that shouldn't be your entire drive. Dan and I tend to have disagreements over the balance of our lives, but I see good sex as part of a complete life, not the core of it. Sometimes I think men place too much emphasis on fucking, though I will admit I've done the same thing. This guy seemed a little out of control though, and made Dan's perversity seem tamer. Well, sometime later we finished the night. He stuck around to talk and the conversation was pretty good. It was nice to find someone with a similar childhood who actually understood what it was liked to be picked on. It was also nice to find someone intelligent, for once. Unfortunately, he ruined it like all us smart people ruin social situations, by assuming he was superior to me. Total turnoff. I admit that I'm used to people critiquing me for my decisions, but when someone tells me I'm too dumb to survive on anything but my looks, that gets me, especially when it's coming from a donut shop manager turned vo-tech graduate. For someone who claims the read the blog, he should know I have an education from one of the top ten universities. Yes, I'll admit he has more KNOWLEDGE of techinical systems than I do, but that doesn't make him smarter than me. My base of knowledge and research just happens to lie somewhere else, somewhere funky that isn't easily supported in the job market. Oh well. But, once I get my Ph.D. (which costs $$ hence the porno to raise the $$$ quickly), I'll be able to open my own sex clinic where I can use my MIND and my BODY to help people in a fun sex-positive environment. Hmmm doesn't that sound SMART? Being your own boss and shit? I think so. Besides, it's easy to look down on whores, isn't it? Actually trying to see the real picture is what's difficult. Anyway, I know I get the high horse kick myself around stupid people, but, guys, if you're even hoping to fuck me in the future, don't assume you're better/smarter than I am. I like nerds, don't get me wrong, and I don't care if you ARE smarter than me, but if you're going to be a pompus ass about it, don't bother me. So, long story short, Dan and I started the group the next day. Hopefully, we'll throw a few parties and find some nice people that way. Feel free to join, but read the rules. If you can't follow them, we're pretty quick with the boot. We just want real bi people for real bi fun. :) with luck, that will happen. Daphne |