� Some Sites I like � I'm reading |
Mental MD Venting Oy, I'm exhausted. Most of life right now involves all the shit moving around in my brain, which makes for a very dull outer life when you're trying to deal with the inner one. Winter is not a good time for manic-depressives, especially. I'll admit, going outside in the sun does wonders for your mental state. Just the Vitamin D alone stimulates endorphin production and you feel more in control of crap. Also, you can walk around outside, like I do on the state trails near my apt, and I can never feel depressed staring at trees, rivers, ponds, etc. Besides, I always tell myself when I go out, worst case scenerio you got a little exercise, which isn't a bad thing. Now, it's winter and cold outside so I don't really go outdoors. Hiking doesn't have the same appeal when you're wearing a HUGE down jacket, loose calfskin boots, and a scarf. It's just too much prep! Besides, I worry that I will get lost in the woods and too cold this time of year to survive. So, I don't go out, and the sun in Michigan sucks in the winter so that doesn't really come in. Guess what that leaves me with? Time to brood over all the crap going on in my life. So, the usual range of worries arrive and my psyche splits into that inner optimist, who has had a lot of training over several painful years, and the inner pessimist, whose dire predictions have often been proven right. The battle and weigh out on each concern, and I try to maintain composure by embracing the pessimist's argument in case the worst materializes while maintaining some faith that the optimist might be right again. This leaves me with more questions than answers, and that drives me back into myself to ponder the possibilities. Like a huge sim, all life appears to be possibility. A few decisions are mine to make completely, however, most are based on others' choices. I can't determine those precisely, so I leave them alone and wait. I hate waiting though. I have no patience. I resort to my old behavior of begging others for attention. I know I shouldn't do it, but I can't be content with just myself. It's very hard. I'm also sick of feeling isolated, and scared of it too. Sometimes I miss those 20 long years spent in near isolation, but now I thrive with interaction. I'm getting it the wrong way, so I try and stop. Stop the chatter. Stop the needless unreturned affections. Stop broadcasting the multitude of doubts I have about myself. Stop being a child. Learn to be an adult full of silent confidance whose thoughts and feelings can be contained within herself. Besides, nobody else can feel the joy I feel when I see a perfect blue lamp, so why should I even try? Add a return to my diet, and some pondering over exercise in the winter, and you have a better me. It won't last, but it's worth a try, isn't it? Don't we all want to be better people? More tolerant, less childish, less confused? I know I would like that. I've just got to re-learn how to be with myself completely. Find a way to keep the black thoughts down or well fought by the optimist, but also to keep silence a virtue. If I can do this, I should be nearly self-sufficent and untouchable by others. At least at my core I can be protected. I'm sick of the world fondling it so harshly these days that I'm prepared to erect some of the old walls again. I think I've let too many visitors in and they haven't been treating the place right. I know I've closed off things before, but this time I will do some good with it. Maybe I can fix some of the shit behind the plaster if I learn mental drywall. The holidays are really rough for me right now too because I can't reach mom. Every year I used to go to Gaylord about this time and visit her and my sister for a week. Now that she's not speaking to me, I miss her terribly. I'm undecided on whether I want to write her, but I'm leaning towards learning to embrace the loss more than anything else. I don't know what to do to make her come back. I also don't even know if I want her back. I don't know if she can be back or if I can handle it. I must grow up first. So should she. I don't think I can help there though. I know last Christmas sucked too, I got majorly depressed because I had nothing to do and my mom's parenting stinks, but I miss my mommy. I miss her more than I can say, and I don't think she'll ever know about it. I do want to write that novel about my parents dating though, I think that would give me some perspective. I just have to edit that short story first, ugh. Anyway, that was carthartic. I leave these things around because I feel it's important for others to try and understand how I think. I know I think oddly, so that's why I try and dissect it. My AP European History teacher used to make me explain where I derived my questions from because they'd be about five steps away from what he was reading, but my brain would draw the inference anyway. Other than that, I don't think most people know how mental illnesses work so any testimony on them helps. I'm only slightly MD, failed the diagnosis test, but I get into funks really easily. They don't last very long (I'm lucky on that front), but they can be very intense. I believe they're a form of self-abuse for me, or used to be when I just let the pessimist rant, that I keep forcing onto myself because I need to feel worthless in order to produce. My best academic years resulted from extreme stress, judgement, and various kinds of mental, emotional, and physical abuse. Most of the mental stuff was self-inflicted too, a sort of Stockholm syndrome, and I'm trying to get rid of it. I can remove most of the issues I beat myself up on now, but the process of guilt/worry/degredation is much harder to remove because every time it starts I have to throw that optimist out there to stop it. Knowing the cycle helps, but can't always prevent it. So, I've been spending the holidays brooding about the all shit going wrong, most of which I have no control over. I'm out of it for the moment, but just because I wrote. I've been dying to do that all weekend. Ahhh freedom. I've got a short shoot tonight, tires for the car this morning, and a suppossed party this evening. I'm trying not to worry about the party, and be open minded about things, but I am just feeling so stressed out. Maybe I'm at my limit or something. Maybe I just need some alone time or a good vacation. I don't know. Something is bugging me though, and I'll get the bottom of it when I can. First, to deal with the tire folks. Daphne |