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Fears and Self-Doubt, my constant problems To whomever seeks Jak and Daxter porn...it's not here. Go away as you scare even me. I don't know if that counts as beastiality or just plain gay male stuff, and I don't want to contemplate it. I can see other game characters, but why Jak and Daxter? You're just plain weird, and yes I would know! *sigh* Still nothing much going on. I'm trying to reach Wisconsin for the final confirmation call and I haven't been able to yet. I know they're busy putting things together, but I've been stood up too many times to make an eight hour drive only to be stood up. Of course, it's a major opportunity I might be standing up if they don't call me, but how do I know they're out there unless I get my phone call returned? I don't know. I don't know what I'll do if they don't reach me. Probably stay home, get clean, and find a real job. If only one would hire me. Arrrghhh I'm stressing myself out again these days. Unless I'm stoned and ignoring my problems, a decent form of escapism, I'm worried as hell. The new year is almost here and I'm going to lose another $4,000 in rent until May. I don't mind living here, but I'm scared that I won't make any money. I can't even find escort clients this week for GOD's sake! I know we're getting closer to the holidays so the guys can't sneak out sums as easily (or they need them for presents), but I'd like to see or hear from someone to just confirm that I can work. I shouldn't whine too much though, I do have a shoot today but it's an exchange shoot. Nathan is coming over to do a demo tape for a private collector which, if we get the account, will result in some income for both of us. In exchange for the freebie, I'm getting some updated lingerie and nude shots of yours truly. I need them badly too, because I have nothing new to show upcoming photographers. Besides, I need to come to grips with what my body really looks like on film, as I'm a little unsure that it looks good at all. Anyway, if it works out we're discussing doing a site together. I really don't want to share any site I do, but I will admit that he has the behind the scenes knowledge I don't have. I am not using any of my super good ideas with him, but I will entertain doing a stocking fetish site or something like that. Nothing terribly difficult, but enough to give me some steady income. Don't worry, I am going to spell everything out in writing before we begin as I want control over the content and 50% of the profit. I'm still afraid though. I half trust Nathan as I've been working with him, but this industry leaves you trusting nobody. I hate that part. I wish I could just put my faith in someone these days, but I can't even seem to put it in myself. I've been slacking on my writing/painting projects because I doubt they'll pan out. I doubt I can do anything in the sex industry either and, with all these resume rejections, I doubt that I can even find a job that doesn't require fries. Oh God, please don't let me slip into the BA stereotype! I need another pep talk. I need to know that what I have to say is important. I need to know that someone cares. Maybe I should clean up these pieces and send them out. With my luck it will probably be all rejection letters, but I know you can't make success out of nothing. I just need faith, which I don't have anywhere right now. All I have is self-doubt. I don't know how you artists/singers/writers survive those long years before making it, but if you could send some my way I would appreciate it. Doubting Daphne |