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I am a Control Freak, in case you missed that earlier Well I had another minor meltdown this weekend and realized that I am a huge control freak. For some reason, i have been trying to live up to some insane standards I've created for myself so that I can feel in control of my life. These standards revolve around my relationship with Dan, and I've learned that some problems aren't entirely my fault. I don't know when I changed these standards for my father's, or where I got them from, but they're wearing me down. On top of that, I feel much better now that I've started smoking again. After the huge crying breakdown, which I really didn't want to show Dan because this is mostly an internal problem, I thought through some things and I decided that even if this job did hire me today, I would still need time off in two weeks and that doesn't look good as an incoming employee. So, I'm going to tell them if they call that a multinational corporation likes my resume and has invited me out to an interview on such a date and I need to go. I don't want to hire into a place that I might need to leave in under a month, so I'd rather just inform them after that interview if I can work. This buys me some time, justifies the smoking (that and I have a new painting idea), and makes me worry a little less. I also have some upcoming interviews, like one in Cincinnati on Thursday. Sadly, my cold sores are starting to move to my upper lip, so I'm hoping that they either clear up or can be covered with makeup that day. Either way, I don't want to look like I've got genital herpes at a first glance, cause I don't. I've also decided to get back into escorting a little. I'm going to create a small website for adult performer work, which I'll use to host the images for escorting. It won't be blatent or anything, but at least I won't have to mail out pics. I am going to be checking references heavily though. My hope is to see maybe 3 people a week, just to tide me over. From the looks of things, I might have to use Dan's repayment to me for his anniversary present, and I don't want that. I'd rather be able to surprise him with it on Wednesday. Oh, and I'm going to get out a little more. Not tons, but something. Plans are to head to a bar tomorrow night, and possibly investigate the Cincinnati scene, though I might avoid that as driving through Ohio can be a pain in the ass. wish me some luck or something, I'm going to learn to let go of shit. I promise! Daphne |