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Too Many Worries Sorry I haven't updated, but mostly I'm doing nothing except trying not to worry. That's the hardest task for all for me, not worrying. I'm so used to giving into worry like falling under the ocean waters that forcing myself not to worry about shit is terribly difficult. I'm trying to do it though. Mostly, I'm just trying to avoid thinking as that is what causes the entire spiral to begin. Hard to do though, avoiding thought, but somewhat neccessary. Mostly I'm worried about money. We decided not to buy tires this weekend for my car, but I still need to take it into the shop. I know I need to do this, but I hate admitting that my car is broken. I worry about how much this will cost, and how that will impact my loan payments, which, scarily enough, will come due right around the time I need to pay another six month's rent. I don't know if I have enough of a cushion to support all of this. Of course, I could go easy on the loan repayments, but my goal is to have those repaid and enough of a base to enter grad school in a few years. So, I'm worried. I don't want to blow what little savings I've always had because I'm scared to go back to living hand to mouth. On top of this, I'm also worried about the financial mistakes I've already made, something the car reminds me of constantly. I feel horrible that I've trusted people when I shouldn't with my money and my treasured possessions. Yes, I can slowly work towards getting my life in order on this account, but I will always feel guilty and stupid for these bad decisions. I guess that's a good thing though, at least I'll learn something from this. I just wish I wasn't learning to worry myself into the grave. I'm also scared because I'm staking a lot on the Wisconsin trip. I really want a contract job with that company, but again I worry that they won't pay me enough or choose me at all. I really want to wow them because I feel so right about working there, but I also know enough not to show all my cards. I guess I'm also slowly learning that life is a hard game to play. Arrrghh must stop with these sentences. And I know all this bullshit is affecting my personal and professional life. I probably lost one of the few clients I really liked last week. I got into a mood and started rambling, which I think scared him off. I tried to remedy the situation by talking dirty and getting into a fantasy, but it didn't work. He was turned off the entire time and I felt horrible when he left. It's bad enough that I feel powerless to attract most people these days, but I can't even hold the attention of someone who is attracted to me??? I am certainly losing it!!! *sigh* I know, I can't let shit get to me, but it does. I just want to spend the day wrapped up in my blanket crying. I don't want all the money in the world, but I do want enough so I don't have to worry about it. I live a very sheltered and poor life so I'm not asking for much. I just wish that people wouldn't take advatange of my good nature. This is why society is the way it is today! Daphne |