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Can we spare the money from the crap-fan please? Okay, this is going to be one of those whiny introspective I-hate-my-life entries. So, if you don't want to hear me whine, I suggest going somewhere else. Part of me believes that I will have something fun to tell you in the future. *sigh* I've been going through a lot of financial crap this past month, well the entire summer at least. Ever since I bought the Jag anyways. I've been debating about buying a winter beater too recently, but I'm not sure if I can afford it insurance wise. Part of me wants to get it fixed for the winter, but another part of me is really scared about how the money will work out because, you see, another pile of shit has come my way. Yeah. So, in addition to the two small claims cases I have to file in hopes of getting THAT money back, (more on this later, can't get too detailed right now) I also learned that my last paycheck for the New York trip bounced. Yeah. That was half of my earnings for the year. Pretty much sucks. I bawled and phoned the bank the cashier's check appeared from and I got the rudest woman ever who was like "and what do you want me to do about this ma'am?" answer: "Well, SOMETHING, you dumb cunt!!". After learning that their bank was no help, I was able to reach the company who claimed that if I emailed them they would check on what was wrong. Of course, he admitted to getting but not answering my last emails, which makes me feel REAL confidant right now. I only hope that he does get me the check because I already paid Dan his share, lost part of it, and was hoping to use the rest towards said car repairs, which I have to do in the next two months before it gets too cold. Oh, and of course, I had to learn this right as I was dashing over to spend a nice lunch with Dan, merely thinking that the envelope was a bank statement. And I know it's not like I'm starving or anything, but all this bad financial luck has made me go into my usual am-I-doing-the-right-thing?/am-I-a-complete-failure? debate. This then leads to the why-am-I-such-a-moron? discussion and the OH-GOD-DAD-WAS-RIGHT-ABOUT-MY-FUTURE!! self-hatred sprial. Following this is the advanced why-bother-going-on? monologue, and then a short break for the binge of self-pity. (Fortunately, in my later years this "binge" has shrunk to a can of fruit or chick peas, and I have learned to fight my urge to purge. Of course, eating less means I don't activate it often either anymore.) Then I wallow through all of my gothy suicide fantasies and, if needed on this well-worn path of self-doubt funk, watch A Clockwork Orange. (don't ask, it makes me happy to sympathize with all the violence) Ick. I will give Dan credit though. He did a good job yesterday trying to pull me out of it. He did remind me that it's only been about six months and that, yes, the real world IS hard for everyone else too. No, it's not like school that followed a set pattern of goodness towards rewards. Not everyone in the real world is good, and sometimes you get fucked over instead of rewarded. The real world does not encourage charity or trust or faith, hard lessons I need to learn. I was probably born either a little too early or a little too late because I've never felt at home with the confused moral standards of this time period. (I heartily apologize to anyone who came here and did not want to hear this rant, but I've got a wicked buzz that wants to talk shit out. Many apologies if I upload this only to learn later it sucked ass.) For me, I just believe that Golden Rule shit. I think it works. It's not even about being good for the sake of being good, it's being good so that YOU'LL benefit because if you're good then other people will be good resulting in a good society, which will then wallow in its profits for everyone. I know, this is horribly naive, but I wrote an entire NOVEL from the ages of 13-16 expounding this theory, it also had a lot on Christian theory with angel/vampire/mortal supernatural Godly fighting team. (Perhaps I should work on retyping it and fixing those plot holes, it's no worse a fantasy than Harry Potter. assuming I take out all the motifs I've stolen from other places.) I guess I'm too innocent, but I just think about the common good. It's the old communist (watch that FBI file grow!) in me. I know the actual systems attempted have failed, but I still believe in my mom's hippie ideals. I guess that's why I keep going on. I'm just worried though. I worry a hell of a lot. My mother won't talk to me, and my father's dying. Once he's gone, I'm not sure what I'll have left. We're not close to the rest of the family, which is fine with me, but not having either parent as a social backup scares me. I know that tons of people every day survive in working class poverty, and I've come from that background so I'm not as scared, but I just don't want to be a failure. I want to be an inspiration, a force of good in the world (yes, I did consider nunhood once, beyond the fetish, but I'm not Catholic, though it would be my first pick if I had to be Christian), someone remembered for moving the world forward. I've always felt this way too, ever since I was little, that little tingle of destiny. Call me romantic or delusional, but it's there somehow. So, I'm scared of failure. Part of me is still a little worried that I'll fuck up even sooner, when my father's still alive and able to rub it in. I don't want that. As for my mother, I just miss her and I'm pretty sure I won't be hearing from her for a long while, if again. Sorry this is so disconnected. I need to not write during commercials. Anyway, I'm worried about the money. My loans go off the grace period in November, I need to get the car fixed soon, January I need to pay for my apartment again, and I'm getting badly screwed. I hope this ends soon with some good news. I'm getting desperate though, and I keep considering going back to escorting just to have some easy cash because it would make me feel better. I would feel more powerful and in control, but I can't do that right now. It was bad enough seeing one of my regulars right after I discovered the bounced check. It was one of the few times I nearly bawled while working because I just wanted him to cum and go so badly. Unfortunately, he's high maintenace. I got through it, and possibly a nice article for the sex workers journal I want to send stuff to, but it wasn't a good day. Maybe my father's right. Maybe I should clean out and go work for the Post Office. Maybe that's the Ultimate Destiny. I could be Lois, our postal lady was I was a kid. I think I'll do some more creative stuff and try to not worry about the money thing. I will follow up on all this annoying stuff, but I'll try not to let it get me down. As for the car, I know it has to go in the shop, I just don't know how much that will be. Hopefully, I can swing it without demolishing my small cushion. Daphne |