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Wanted: One Life with Friends Oy! Yesterday was fun...after an entire day of bawling and debating if I should tell Dan about my possible feelings for another man and my very real complaints about our relationship, I picked up my balls, went over and did the deed. Well, after waiting a couple of hours while he took a motor out of another truck. Anyway, I bawled some more and we talked shit through. I'm not entirely sure what we came up with as a solution. I wanted to pursue the guy I met on set, which I am a little unsure about even doing now, and I think Dan agreed to let me with the provision that I'm honest on both sides and it doesn't interfere with us. I can accept that. I do know that if I break up with Dan one more time, however, it will be the last and he'll probably not even attempt to remain friends. That would suck, so I'm treading cautiously. Besides, who knows, this guy might not even like me back, or he might not even be worth it. So I feel doubly shitty putting Dan through this because it might be nothing at all. It was good in determining some things though. It clarified my need to stop escorting. Our sex life has shrunk to nil. I'm not interested in swinging. He's not interested in me. It was becoming more of a chore than a good time and when he withheld sex I would withhold emotionally. Like all women, this creates a dangerous cycle that will eventually explode. He brought up how my work has impacted this and I realized it's more than that. I've been using sexual approval in lieu of other forms of self-esteem lately and it's killing me. Having the NY people reject me was similar to my parent's rejection of me, only slightly less personal. So I need to step away from that and find other ways of getting approval. I also need to find other ways of making friends. I've been using sex as a crutch to interest people in my personality, but nobody ever sticks around to be friends with me. Sometimes this makes me feel used. So, another goal, is to find some cool non-sexual friends to hang out with to supplant the sex inherent in my work. We also determined that our old work week pattern worked better for us than more frequent visits. This means that I will only see Dan on the weekends and Wednesday nights. That works for me, except I now have to find some sort of a life to fill the down time. Sad, but true, I've been wasting most of my summer having an interesting non-life that doesn't fulfill anything. I'm not sure how to get out or what to do about this, but I'm going to do something. I'll exploit my interests and, hell, maybe I'll even get a little part time job to kill the daytime hours. I'd like to clerk in a porn store, I think that would be fun, but I need to find one semi-local to hire me. Oh, if any of you wanna be my friend, email. We'll chat, maybe hang out or something. lol. Daphne |