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Halfway Out Never underestimate the power of God to poop on your head. Whenever you think that he�s done enough and had his fun, he goes and throws something else at you to see you jump. In my case, it�s true, my father now knows I make pornography. The worst has happened. I have tried to prevent this for a few years because, what with the situation with my mother not talking to me, I didn�t want to lose another important parent in my life. I didn�t want him to lose respect for me either. I don�t hate the decisions I have made, but my father is dying and I don�t want him to have any additional worries that he doesn�t need, but he figured me out so I had to admit it. It all went down like this: I needed some information from my mother and father to file for a passport so I called him and asked him his side of it, which he answered. I then phoned my mother who seemed happy to talk to me until I asked her the same questions. (I will admit here that asking suck things within the first five minutes of talking to her might not have been the best approach but I was under time constraints.) She replied to the whole birthdate/place question with �Aren�t I dead! It doesn�t matter because I�m dead!� and then hung up on me. (For all those of you who don�t know the drama intimately, my father did my mother a favor by not registering her on my financial aid forms so that the government wouldn�t search her out for money, unfortunately she takes this to mean that we want her dead and gone). So, what with my mother continuing to be a cunt, I phoned my father back to ask if, offhand, he knew my mother�s information. He did, and then he asked me why I needed a passport. I told him to have and also because a company wanted me to work in Ireland in the near future. Then he let loose with the bomb, �Are you doing pornography?�. I went silent, and debated about lying but after a small silence my lies suck so I admitted it (that and I have one rule about truth and that�s if you ask me directly you will get the absolute truth, otherwise�). I started bawling though and told him that I had hidden it for so long because I didn�t want to lose him like I lost my mother. He�s not happy, but I tried to reassure him that I am working safely and told him some of my safety measures to alleviate his discomfort. Of course, it probably didn�t help, but I was trying to show him that I knew something about what I was doing. I also told him that I didn�t want to be in it forever, but I needed money and couldn�t find a job so I fell back on it. He asked me not to go overseas to work because he watched some special on Dateline or something where they trafficked girls by having them travel for shoots and then taking their passports so they can�t return home. I thought about it, and I�ve agreed to stay in America to work, but I still want the document so that I can travel when I so desire. I also tried to tell him not to worry, he�s super worried already with bad blood pressure, hence why I didn�t fully confess to escorting, etc., but he said he would worry nonetheless. He�s also upset that he might see me naked on the internet, even though I kept my work there because he swears he�ll never go online. I know he just wants the best for me, and perhaps this will teach me something about my decisions, but I don�t want to lose him. I don�t think I will because we really only have each other, but I worry about that. After my mother giving up on me for good, I don�t want to lose another parent. So that�s another rough patch for me to deal with. Hopefully, I can face him on Monday to drop off my AAA payment. I know he�ll lecture me on working, and I�ll probably feel a little guilty, but the guilt is more about making him upset and worried than about my crime. If/when he passes I am sure I will be fine with the stigma, but I love and respect my father highly so I don�t want to create any more friction between us. Daphne |