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Nightmares I almost just gave up this morning and got up at 4:30am. I probably should have because I had the worst set of nightmares last night, which luckily a few hours of sleep afterwards erased most of the horrible details. the first, which is always the most surprising in a series, was about Dan and I and swinging. I was walking into some room and this girl he was screwing fell asleep on his chest. I was super-pissed and she woke up and got off and he did use a condom so I was somewhat happy. He was pissed at me though and said all these horrible things about how jealous I am and I retorted with how i did not feel respected in the scene, how I felt that nobody liked me but just wanted him, how I felt used for him to do other girls. He just madder and madder and the girl came back so he gave me the bird and left. I was crying like mad but he told me to fuck off and he was going to do what he wanted and I could dump him if I had any problems with it. I had that horrible feeling of pain you get during these bad dreams and I finally woke up (I am sure there are more details I forgot) wishing that I could call Dan and talk to him about it. It was very early in the morning though so I stopped myself but I miss having someone to wake up when I have nightmares. So, I just layed there and debated about where the relationship is going and if I really do like swinging or if it just brings up too much shit. I tried to calm down, somehow I had that terror sweat and raging heartbeat, and go back to sleep because it was too early for me to get up. So I had another nightmare!! I should have gotten up. I went back to sleep and Dan took the form of Doug from King of Queens and we were in a field. We were still fighting and I was trying to beat him with a length of narrow steel pipe (I shit you not). He kept running away and this chick came up to try and fight me but I scared her off with the pipe (the pipe was huge and heavy and rather menacing). I kept chasing him and arguing with him and trying to trip him so that I could club him to death with my pipe. It never worked, he eventually took the girl and ran off, leaving me crying and upset because I couldn't even hurt him like he had hurt me. I woke up from that one at about 6am and I decided to try sleeping once again but I think my mind was unwilling to give it another go. I kept snoozing but waking up about every five minutes. I was honestly scared to sleep again because I did not want to go through that pain over and over. Luckily, when I woke up around when the alarm went off my period started and I had some reason to get up. Yay. I don't think these dreams mean much more than my worst paranoid thoughts in the back of my mind but sometimes I do worry that nobody loves me, that people use me, that I am just not worth attention or committment. I don't think I would want to be in a committed relationship but these worries haunt me. I hope with time I can get over them. One good thing though, I remember arguing with Dan in the first dream he said that I was upset because I was the fattest girl there, and I retorted that I didn't care about that. I cared about our relationship with each other and where it was going and why I was getting no respect in that situation. So perhaps I am getting over my body issues. In better news, I might get to meet the CMU chick sunday, I got an interview this weekend, my old conservative best friend emailed me, and I get to see Dan tonight, yay! I miss him and I wish I could go home with him tomorrow but I got to do this test study in the morning. At least I don't have to wake up early for it though. Daphne |