� Some Sites I like � I'm reading |
piss poor weekend, bulimic dreams I'm hungry and a bit scared to eat but I feel a bit better than I did this morning. I found some candy downstairs at work and I think that I might make it until lunch but I am not sure if I can choke down the pasta. I hate pasta without sauce or seasoning but it's all I got until I buy groceries later today. Luckily, there isn't a lot that I need to do in the Bentley, just figure out citations, so I will probably get home in good time. It sucked though getting up this morning. I was nauseated and wanted to throw up but I thought it was the nicotine smell in the house at the time. I belched a little and layed back down a went to sleep a while. I got up again later and felt about the same once I started walking around. I figured that it had to be from lack of food but I barfed nonetheless. Lots of dry heaving mostly, and then some gray matter came up and I felt better. Bulimia still works I guess. I made myself eat some chicken strips, three of them. I couldn't down any more or look at the food. I felt like I used to when I was highly bulimic and I hated eating. Eating when you have gone without food for a long time is hard. It just feels disgusting to do, especially when the food is slimy or a weird texture. Very gross and hard to do. But I made myself eat and go to work. I brought my probably slimy pasta I cooked last night. I ate some candy and Blondie has been nice and just gave me her apple to eat. That tastes lovely with all of its sugars that I probably need in order to live. I was a bit worried after the puking session because I got lightheaded as all hell and I didn't want that to last all day. I was grumpy a bit too until Blondie asked me what was wrong and I spilled about not having time to get groceries last night and being worried that I was going to pass out. Yeah, I could have bought some fast food and I didn't need super charity, she offered to spot me some cash, but I don't need money, I just need time. And Spk's right, the weekend doesn't feel like a weekend. We were both working and I miss him a lot. I didn't get to see much of him except in front of the TV, a quick cuddle and then off to bed. He'd snore, I'd be wide awake thinking about growing up and whether this is how married people really live. I as an intellectual who stays home, goes insane with that, does the house chores because I am home and then he comes home, just wants to eat and relax and not really do anything. I guess it would be okay if I got a car so that I could go out and feel like I have done something but still the paradox remains. And yeah, sometimes I feel he doesn't take my work seriously. It looks easy, it looks like I do nothing all day because I write in bursts. That's how I work. And yeah, I will admit I probably don't understand the amount of physicality needed to do his job but I do understand that cars are very complicated and that he knows things that I can't grasp. (trust me, I've tried!) So, sometimes I feel a bit like a child that wants to play after a day of reading only to be shot down because my work is childish. Yes, I had the opportunity to "play" all day with the TV, the computer, my book, the radio, etc. and I didn't have to try and put a motor in a car but that doesn't interest me. I would rather get out or just spend some time with him talking or something. Lol, and I know it's sad to think that I might end up in South Dakota with this attiude of going insane when being cooped up somewhere too long but I think that I can deal out there. At least I will have books and hopefully some internet. I just miss him, that's all. And I miss the real spk, not the one that is tired and prone to irritability. *ugh* so anyway, I got another 5 pages to finish on the Bentley paper tonight and then off to work on the Whole Foods show. I will catch Joe Millionaire tonight. It's stupid but I want to see the catty wench win and have her disown him when he tells her he's poor. Mwahahaha! Daphne |