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Beauty, why bother? Hey all, yes I am slacking on the outline. I am scared I will admit it and it's been a fucked up couple of days out here. Woke up bad this morning. Cried somewhat quietly in the john when I could. Let it out just like I did when I was at home and couldn't cry in front of my father. quiet. nearly silent sobbing until it stopped. lots of issues going around in my mind. It's weird. It's like I am back to MPD again. (multiple personality disorder) I used to think I was but I never got it checked out because although my mind is foggy I never wanted to admit to that but lately it has felt like different mood swings or types of people are trading spots into the frontline. It's weird but at some points I feel really hurt and attacked for little reason so I break down and cry and then a few minutes later I feel like a little kid so I act all bouncy and such and then I go into fun sex maniac and then back again into scared and hurt. Changing always changing. I can tell which part of me is nerdish and responsible when that one gets out and which one is the sexual side that runs around because it is so popular and then lastly the hurt part of me that is getting a lot of air time because I have been feeling really low about myself lately. spk was cool about things most of the day. he mentioned my skin being totally dry though and it brought me back to the fact that I am really not taking care of myself anymore. I felt like shit again but I know why I don't care. It is just ceasing to matter to me right now. I mean, what's the point if I am not getting either work or play with anyone new? why even bother trying? I have gone off my nice neat little diet for awhile to chocolate and binge eating which I know is bad but I have lost confidence to the point where I don't care if I get fat. even the fat girls in swinging get something more than I do right now. and I haven't cared about shaving or the horrible dandruff in a while. exercise is almost out of the question with the amount of crap I need to do but I am not even making the attempt to work on any of that anymore. I guess I have kind of lost the confidence to even try. and that's where I am with shit. I got some good people in my life and I am slowly working on meeting more good women in my life, I feel really lesbian right now so I am craving that return to the mother-figure, but other than that I can give a rat's behind about what anyone else thinks. so I have let myself go a bit. we bought oil of olay though and intensive head and shoulders today at Busch's and I will work hard on getting myself back in line but I know this series of the blues has to go before I get back into it. and yeah, I snap back and forth between highs and lows and everything really is dependent on the day but lately I have lost a lot of hope in people, especially men either in couples or on their own, that I am really wondering why I should even be in swinging. I don't seem to be able to catch anyone for spk and I so i am taking it rather personally. and yeah I shouldn't. and yea the attitude doesn't help either us finding someone or him staying with me but it's here. a sort of finality creeping over me and shoving me back into normal pursuits I guess. we were reading my journals from age 15 and I rediscovered a lot of cool stuff about myself back then and I hate to say it but I miss being so religious. I miss being pure and semi-innocent and well, being confident enough not to care about the world. maybe I am heading back into that with this regression away from beauty. Even though I tried a bit at the time back in those days I let the dandruff run rampant and the fat stick on me because I wanted someone who wanted me for ME. Now, I guess I have become too superficial. I still don't know what I'll do but I will try and shake the blues. and possibly get some shitty version of this outline done today. Daphne |