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reflection on crying blahblahblah nothing much happened yesterday. did some notes had another breakdown about things no big deal. notewise, it is good that I started Maggie O'Neil's book but she has so much jargon in it that I only half understand what is going on. can't remember much of what I read, most of it so far being a review of other's work, and that makes me a bit angry. wish I had a better mind somedays. Jargon though in there sucks ass, any ethnographers out there wanna help me out? or just anyone who understands the concepts of praxis and ethno-mimesis, which she invents to understand whores...and my fav "the politics of feeling"...God, save me from concepts like this. Maybe I just won't review her. I was half tempted to throw it back but I should at least read it before dogging her too badly, right? as for the breakdown, I blame PMS, weed, and general nerves. I almost want to say depression but that isn't it. spk raised a good point that I need to fund myself more often yesterday and that he feels like I don't want him around, which I DO!, and I dunno, it made me question things yesterday. I wrote out a long private entry about my feelings for D, which are all confused, and what is going on in my head about that and I guess the dam just burst again. I hate losing control like that though and crying in front of spk. It makes me feel like I am about two years old and I can never turn it off until I am done doing it. I don't mind the weakness so much in front of other women, D has let me cry with her and so has Codi, but in front of a guy it just reminds me of being home and how I shouldn't lose control. I am sensitive inside though and even though I play it off like I don't care about things I really do and shit sticks in my head for long periods of time so half the time when I am crying I am crying about other shit in addition to the matter at hand which also bothers me. It's almost like unfair fighting. It also just sucks because I don't know what to do to stop sobbing, I kind of have to ride it out, but I want to stop because I feel really vulnerable and embarrassed when I am upset so that makes the situation worse and then I start thinking about other shit and crying about that and it turns into a huge mess. eventually I threw on a clean face of makeup and made myself stop thinking about whatever was really making me upset and I got out of it. I know it's back there still but maybe not as powerful. I don't know. At the time I wanted a good cry but I knew that I shouldn't indulge. It made me feel a bit guilty and open for going so far as I did with the breakdown that I tried to get it under control as soon as I possibly could. I cried a bit earlier than that in the day but I guess it wasn't enough...I needed a stoner sob session to feel a bit better. It's weird how that shit works but it does. It kind of sucks that guys can't let loose like that very often. I wish they could because at least they might understand why women cry and not look at it like some sort of malfunction. My dad always did anyway, and he told me the truly male secret for why they don't like us crying, they don't know what to do to make it stop. and yea, I will admit when someone else cries it is slightly uncomfortable if you don't know what to do but I always say start by holding them and go from there. but then again, I am a girl and that is what girls want when we cry...nothing more, nothing less. at least, that is how I feel on the matter. sorry about the depressing reflection here folks, promise I will get something better out soon. hey! we'll do dirty pics this weekend how about that? time to get the laptop from the mysterious Ypsi UPS hub. whoooo.... Daphne |