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D and not loving myself morning again, y'all. yesterday was a pretty okay day, part of it made up for the blessings I recived on wednesday, which was to be expected. on the lighter side, our database decided to crash at work. yup...and for the first time ever, we lost data upon recovery. so that meant I had to type in the orders for the last month all over again, change their numbers, and make sure everything got checked out again and was ready to go for the future. We are currently running our system on a notebook right now because the big boss had the real computer taken for repairs seeing as the drive took a shit. that kept me busy through work so I was mildly happy about it. I copped an attitude when I missed lunch but was still being criticized, but on my end I was starving and that doesn't make me very nice. it gets a little worse. well, I don't know for certain yet, but the big boss hired my nutty Troma loving coworker back for 20 hours a week this summer and he was talking about reducing mine. I paniacked and told him that it isn't a paltry way to earn spending money for me and he should know that! cut my hours and I have to do some work arounds! so, although I have no time to even keep up much of a social life or work on my thesis, I will have to get some more sidejobs. This means that I need to start calling companies for work again...I have a couple of numbers to try. next week I will be shooting again so that is good and I have been getting some offers for escort work, weird thing is I am not recruiting...but if you want to stop by for that please email me! I could use all the earnings I get... *sigh* but I don't want to get another real job. I like it here and I am comfortable here and the real world jobs suck. they take time, removal of my personality, and all of those issues that I hate dealing with. well, we all knew the Media Services saga would end someday. in other sad news, Ethnic Creations is moving to Westgate and David's Books will be moving next to Cottage Inn. I really hope that they will not tear down the David's mural because it is awesome but all of this loss of cool shit on state is starting to get to me. I really don't want it to turn into coffeeshops and textbook stores...god, another ypsi! actually, I was reading that most of the cool ann arbor stuff is moving to ypsi so we are all losing out. sorry, but this really sucks because I actually LIKED how nice and small this town was and now it is any other town in the midwest. sad. but I do have happy news too. D came over last night and we had some fun. not a lot, she was still doing the girl thing, but a bit. I told her of my nightmare last night and we talked about spk and other women. she reasoned that I don't love myself enough if i feel threatened by other women. honestly though, I do love myself...I just worry that a hot body, a good brain, and a similar personality will turn his head more. I mean, yea I am awesome, but I am still a little kid. at least at times I feel that way around him and it sucks. D gives me that feeling much more and it bugs me. I tried to tell her that...I want to be in my 30s and have life figured out like everyone else. I am soo jealous of that! I hang out with all of these adults who have careers, children, marriages, and know who they are and are like perfectly comfortable with it...or so it seems...and I feel like some 5 year old fumbling in the dark. sure, I know a lot about myself but I don't have much of my life figured out yet and I wish that I did. I was always envious of my buddy Jill in high school because she knew exactly what she wanted to be and how to get there...me, well, I know who I am and what I am but I don't know where I am going to go and what I am going to do. maybe it is my picesean nature...I'll will just swim around and find something or something will drop in my lap and I'll be fine but I do still wish that I was grown up. :) I think that I always will...I always did when I was kid too because I hate being left behind or left out. anyway, after that talk and a good cry...I don't think I got that detailed on the little kid thing with her, my argument mostly was something like what if I am not good enough for spk? ok yeah, that means I am inferior and she is right it does give him a lot of power in the relationship to keep thinking that. but I know that I can walk away and survive...it sucks but it won't kill me...so I still have some power. and yea, I worry about slimmer girls. I lose weight, I tone up, I work hard on myself for the both of us and yet I still have the body issues. personality-wise the only reason he would leave is for someone that bitches less and loves cars more, but body wise I tend to think that anybody will do and that he just puts up with my body because that is how it is. and deep seatedly that might be my worry about swinging, my mind myth that he needs to swing in order to alleviate some of the revulsion of being with me all the time. I know it isn't true, or else he wouldn't be here, but it is something deep in me that I worry about... sorry all...I was going to say something hot but all the therapy stuff came tumbling out. it's good though. I know spk will read this and I hope that he understands that I am just working shit out with myself about the same old problem. it's nothing really on you, hun, just me thinking out loud. on the good side, I am slowly moving towards where I can deal seeing him with another woman. I think it might also be just the immediate visual for me too. If he told me about it, I could deal, but seeing it sometimes does things to me. -shurg- but that's okay too. we have had good nights where I have been fine and we have had bad nights where I flip out, and nights where he has flipped out. it's all okay. When i am in the mood to swing and I bring all of the positive shit with me I am usually fine...I just have to remember to keep that up and that he always snuggles up to me in the end :) ok hot shit, hot shit, god I wasted half an hour rambling on with my therapy...sorry folks. D came over, we talked. I got through that. she needed a neck massage so I gave her one but I was getting cold in my see through red top and tan skirt so I suggessted snuggling under the covers. we both got undressed and she took my usual spot and I took spk's...it has been awhile for me on that side of the bed...and we kissed and cuddled together for awhile. I was afraid of falling asleep though so I kept playing with her nipples and touching her. I can understand spk not being physically attracted to her now, but I like the way her skin feels so I don't mind. we tussled around a bit but she was still having her period so we couldn't do much, although she swore to later. mostly it was more of the cuddling talking stuff again. it got a bit hot towards the end because she knew that she needed to go so she ate me out a little. :D it was pretty awesome. I was teasing her about it earlier, I had suggessted she take up titty fucking as a speciality for escorting, but she said that she was better at giving head. I told her I needed an example, and yup, she does well at that! I think that if we had had more time i could have cum, but it was okay that I didn't...it was getting late. so that part of the day was good and I went to sleep with no dreams. I woke up with a charley horse though...still got it in fact. I am hoping that today will go by very quickly and that the threeday weekend will be both productive and fun. I kind of wish that we could go to Cedar Point this weekend but I know that the lines will be hell. argghhh I cannot wait. daphne
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