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Spk's supports me Spkoohhhh warmed over morning...I was awake some time ago but now I am sleepy again. I think that the rain does it. The rain always helps me sleep because I call the rain up and it is restful. Even when it is stormy it is peaceful. I am a little sick of rain right now just because I have to walk in it. If I could just lie down in a hot tub with D and listen to the storms that would be heaven but walking in it is annoying. I had a stilted sleep ridden conversation with spk last night and he understands my budding relationship with D. He's being super sweet and supportive about it and I felt bad about sending him the confused email but I wanted things to be straight between us. He claims that the email wasn't confused and I am just getting natural feelings for her and that is okay. It's normal and to be expected. He has confidance that he won't be taking a back seat, which he won't, and I informed him that D and I really balence each other. She has the emotional stuff down, which I really need to learn, and I have the knowledge and experiance. I think that she really could help me out on that... I think I just got scared because I wasn't expecting intensity so fast. I expected attraction but not emotion. It's crazy but I tend to know within a few dates whether or not I am going to fall into the concrete of love. Spk I think it only took two dates and shit, I was hooked. D is about the same way and that is why I got worried. Hitting the ground that hard is a little frightening but I believe that in this case it is also easier to care for a woman because with most men you need to work to get through the emotional barriers but with women they are already there with you. D has shared so much with me about her poly experiances that I feel more confidant about my mistakes because I am not alone. I thought that I was just screwing up because of my age or just my approach or something and spk really couldn't show me that we weren't alone because this was also his first time having a partner who swung so it was pretty alienating. And now I know that everyone screws up to some degree. We all have horror stories but the trick is to leave them behind and keep trying. Which is what I plan to do this weekend. This yahoo group that spk is in is hosting a hotel party and, although I have never been to anything big like this and I am nervous as heck, I plan on going. Spk needs to get out and have some fun and I need to get over my fears and do the same. The only thing I think I want to have as a rule for this is for him to hang out with me while we are there until I feel comfortable. It's stupid but I always worry that I am going to be separated from him and left kind of defenseless against someone that I don't want to deal with. Strange worry, but right now I don't think that I am ready for him to be on the other side of the room. I kind of want him next to me to guide me and help me through my first big event. I know it's not a big thing so I hope that it won't be a huge issue. As for updates, work has been going ok. I am more worried about working on my thesis right now though because I obviously can't do it at night because I am too tired, I tried last night. So it seems that I will have to give up my nighttime TV a bit to read and take notes. Pain in the butt but neccessary. Right now, I am trying to take notes on stuff that I have already read so that i can return the books to the library. It's a real pain too because I have to figure out a way to keep them organized but also accessible. I don't have much in the way of topic areas right now though so I am mostly just typing up notes by work subdiving the work when I need to make new bibliography headings. Of course, I put in page numbers of what I am listing and some good quotes but mostly I am trying to get the gist of the work, for what that is worth. :D I get to see D and Spk today at the Poly meeting at WRAP. I hope things go well there, it sounds like a nice enviroment. I just don't know how I will handle being near her and not touching or kissing her. *sigh* I will perservere though...I am sure. daphne
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