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girls night out oh it's morning...and I'm nervous. I can't wait to tell the world what I am thinking or feeling but I am nervous about my thoughts and feelings. I don't want them to be wrong or misconstrued or to upset anyone close to me but I must be honest, isn't that what this thing is all about? yes, it must be...so tears and sighs notwithstanding...I will get out what I need to. I met up with D yesterday. She was in the city and about two blocks from me at the Aut Bar so I headed her way and met her there. We talked about almost everything, BD, relationships, women...I was a little glad to know that my feelings were mutual and that she had also never had a woman return her affections either, so this is new for both of us it seems. After the nice chat and a few kisses we headed back to my place. She wanted to score some smoke but it turned out that my big hookup was working and Cody, although nice to offer the few tokes she had, didn't have enough for us to bother leaving the house. So we did something unconventional. We tried cleaning the pipes for their resin and to get it off of our fingers we took some seeds and pushed it off with them and smoked resin covered seeds. I got a buzz and I think she got a bit of one but we had to clean up because we were sticky messes everywhere. After all that, we only had about an hour left together. She had to leave around tenish to be home in time and since she had skipped a seminar to be with me I knew that she had to be careful about playing hooky around her husband. That hour was magical though...and here comes the confused tumult of feelings. We didn't do anything more than we did on sat night. We kissed, held each other, and talked. She still encourages me to live in the moment, which is hard for me because I am so used to planning things. She wanted to use my toys with me but we were both on our periods and had little time so we spent it well together, touching and getting to know each other. I showed her the spots on my back before we had to stop and she got me quite turned on. She is right though, both of us need to become resensitized to our bodies and stop tricking ourselves out of our fun, another challenge. Anyway, she's awesome...and I think this silly anecdote might prove it. We had talked earlier in the evening about my mother -does everything have to make me into a teary wreck today?- and I felt like I had to defend my mother to her. She told me about her family situation which was much worse in some ways and I do admit that my mom made a bad decision with how she left my father but I am still glad that she did it in some sense. Anyway, I have dealt with most of the grief on it but she brought it back out a little, some people can make me really emotional and I think D is one of them, for better I hope. So I was on top of her and kissing her and she was telling me how beautiful I was...she really is a romantic and I only hope that my efforts don't seem too awkward next to hers...and I started to cry for some reason. -here is where I need to admit that I don't like crying around people. It bothers me, even though I am a little right now, because I hate getting emotional when I am not sure if it is safe to be emotional, if that makes any sense- She held me close against her and told me to cry so I did. It was a good healing cry for me about whatever. It didn't really have a source, but looking at her I knew why...in my crazy way I was falling for her. I told her so, and right now I am trying not to cry cause I am at work, and she admitted the same -I hope it was beyond being polite and calming me down- and it was well a beautiful moment. At least until she offered to let me get off of being on top and while dismounting I fell off onto the floor between the bed and the table. I wasn't hurt and it was funny as hell. I think I said something around that time about being the class clown and defusing emotions through humor...like I had planned it, which we all know I didn't. I just fell in a perfect manner and told her the story about having a dresser, TV, VCR, etc. fall on Justin and I while having sex. It could always be worse. I must say this though, and I hope that you are still reading dear spk. I STILL LOVE SPK LIKE CRAZY! and that's why I am worried. I don't want whatever this is to detract from the pair of us and I don't think it will. It could just be a girl crush and I know that it is new and all so I am not labeling it as anything, but it feels right. I don't know if that is just because she is a woman but I think that it is something more. I care about her as a person and I know that because I let her set the pace, I tell her silly shit, she lets me be all emotional, which is tricky to do around anyone and spk is the only person I am emotional around normally, so she's awesome. and it's new. but I still love him and I don't want him to think that I am going to leave him for her or not spend time with him because although D and I have this thing it won't be the primary thing in her life and I doubt that it will be in mine either. So, spk please rest assured that although I am getting these warm feelings for a woman that I rather adore, I still have warm feelings for you too and I wish that the meeting was tonight so that I could cuddle you close all night long. -sigh- I love cuddling with him...he's so warm blooded and sunggly. After a nice orgasm is best but anytime else is lovely too. so all mixed up and nowhere else to vent all of this. I can't be all emotional at work cause people get easily sick of hearing about things like that. you know, can't bother the depression. oh yeah, forgot to mention, she claimed that it was the first time she had ever taken off another girl's bra. It was very cute because I was on top and she was trying to unhook it. I giggled and said it reminded me of middle school...cum'on guys, don't you remember the first bra you unhooked? It's always nice to have a girl that can cut up trouble with me and act like a little girl around, so long as she doesn't mind. :) daphne awaiting spk's visit tomorrow. |