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downer day and a pity party for one arrghhh I want to keep up with writing but there isn't much to say beyond my having the blues again. I know, you are going to say that I am too much of a drama queen but I have like no sleep right now, I am at work, which is ok but my big boss is due in soon. yeah, I know that I shouldn't be writing this from work because of all the distractions but I have no time to do it elsewhere. that is bugging me too, I think that I am going to read some of my readings today if I don't see anyone. I like seeing everyone but if I am not too cheery by the end of the day I will probably give up on it. and my hair is oily and I smell. and I don't have much sleep...I hate not sleeping because it puts me in a foul mood. I have emotional woes and no sleep makes them much worse. oh yeah, I shouldn't be so stressed out now that school is over, and I said that I would enjoy the break but I think I get different kinds of stress without school, personal stress. at least with school I know it will end...and I can do something concrete to fix it, with inner stuff I can't and it's frustrating. and soon I will have no money...unless I start hustling again, which I feel that I should do to relieve some of the financial issues I have right now, but I am just scared about shit. well, not scared but wary I guess? I dunno... I think it has to do more with the fact that I am not motivated to do anything. I work for eight hours, I go home, I bathe, I watch some TV cause I earned it -I do pay the bills-, I cook dinner, I try to go online or read if I am not too tired, I call spk, and I sleep. Then I wake up in the early morning, eat, dress, and do it all again. somehow, I don't know how everyone else does this sort of thing cause I both bored by it but also too tired to try and break it. I don't want to call for films because I hate being rejected or put off, I don't post for escorting work because many times I don't like dealing with certain clients and the risks involved, and swinging sometimes seems like too much of a game for me. I like meeting people, getting to know them, and playing but a lot of people play games with me and pull stuff with me, and the emotional stuff on my end adds into it too... a big mess, my life is a stressed out big mess...and I really haven't even touched the surface. arrghhh sorry folks about the downer entry, it made me feel better and I don't always feel what I said, I am just frustrated right now with various things and I needed to vent and I feel bad for not updating this thing. send me some cool ecards and make me feel a bit better, as for the loss of sleep you can't fix that, but the cards would help. life goes on and will feel better in the morning I am sure. losing sleep usually colors my day pretty badly if I feel like shit too. daphne |